Book Making

Why would anyone use Jexbo to buy or sell books?

2012-01-30T05:21:00.015-05:00

Jexbo.com is a book marketing website intended to help authors sell self-published books directly to readers. The selling cost is low. Authors pay just 5% of the selling price. There used to be an additional fee of 99 cents per book title per month, but that fee seems to have been eliminated.

Maybe Jexbo should be eliminated, too.

Many links on the Jexbo site are useless. The media kit and other listed sections and pages are phantoms. Most links to pages off the site go nowhere.

Today is January 30th. The "Newest Books" section says, "There are no new books this month." I have a feeling that there were none last month, or the month before.

Jexbo tells readers, "you'll find unique books in numerous categories and be able to communicate directly with authors."

The site has a few dozen book categories, and apparently just a few dozen book titles available. Unfortunately, the category list is deceptive.

In many cases, a click on a category such as "Technology & Applied Sciences: All," returned this disappointing message: "There are no items in this category."
For "Math," there was one book -- and it's in French and costs $40 including shipping. For contrast, Amazon.com offers nearly a quarter of a million math books -- and most are in English.
Jexbo has no books about travel in the USA, South America, Africa or the Middle East (but the categories are listed).
There are no books about U.S. history, baking, baseball, art history or animals (but the categories are listed).
The religion section shows no books about Islam, Judaism or Mormonism. There are books about Christianity, but a search for "Christianity" shows "no results."

While the cost to sell books seems low, the potential business seems tiny. No one will know you have a book for sale on Jexbo, unless you have a marketing program that will promote your book and send readers to Jexbo. It seems infinitessmally unlikely that someone will go to Jexbo insted of Amazon or Barnes & Noble to search for books in a specific category and find your book.

Sales are further limited because Jexbo doesn't accept credit cards -- only Paypal. If a reader wants to use the nearly universal plastic payment method and does not have a Paypal account, she'll have to open a Paypal account, or she can't buy your book. Some people don't like Paypal.

It can cost more to get a book from Jexbo than from another bookseller.

Simple Publicity by Melanie Rembrandt costs $19.99 plus $4.98 for shipping on Jexbo, but $19.99 and either nothing or $2.99 for shipping at Amazon.

If someone actually does find the Jexbo site, and finds your book, and is willing to use Paypal, you should receive an email with the transaction details so you can ship your book to the customer. This means that the author has to also be a warehouse manager and shipping clerk, and probably drive to the post office.

Like eBay, Jexbo is a go-between, not a seller. If a book does not arrive or arrives damaged, the buyer has to deal with the seller -- not with Jexbo. Unlike eBay, Jexbo does not rate sellers or have a system for resolving disputes.

The 5% a publisher will pay Jexbo is less than the 10% or 20% that Amazon usually collects, but you get much less for the money you do spend. If you self-publish with POD printer Lightning Source or CreateSpace, as I and many others do, your books will be quickly available on Amazon, B&N and other book selling sites worldwide. Millions of potential readers can easily find you. They can use credit cards. You don't have to own inventory. You don't have to ship anything. You don't even have to calculate postage.

I know a lot, but I don't know of any good reason to use Jexbo. I first wrote about Jexbo nearly three years ago. It offered little then, and offers little now. In 2009 Jexbo said it provided its author-customers with a no-cost website for book promotion, but I could not find any of those sites in 2009 -- or today.

The Jexbo online forum is nearly empty. Back on May 16, 2011, someone said, "Hello moderator. Are you out there?" There is still no response.

I don't understand why Jexbo is still in business. The corpse is in a hole in the ground. It's time to shovel on the dirt and walk away.

...

Fuck football

2012-01-29T04:50:00.000-05:00

Based on increased advertising for taco chips, TVs and frozen pizza, I think the Super Bowl game is today. I think one of the teams which will be playing is called the "Pats." I think they are based somewhere in New England (where I live).

If you paid me a billion dollars I could not name the city where the game will be played -- or the other team. I think it may be the New York Giants or San Francisco Giants or Indianapolis or Dallas Somethings. Or maybe Miami Something. Or Toronto?

Am I the only man in the country who doesn't know -- or care -- who's playing?

I can name exactly two football players: Joe Namath and Roosevelt Greer. I have eight flat-screen TVs in my house and none of them have ever been used to display a football game. I plan to keep it that way.

Do I need a testosterone injection? Or Gatorade?

...

This person should not be writing a book -- at least not in English

2012-01-28T05:21:00.000-05:00

From an online discussion:

Many you can help me with my problem. Well I think I made a huge mistake by choosing the wrong publishing company. Well I sent my children’s book along with my illustrations and paid close to 500. dollars. Every thing was finally sent to the printer, people began to order my book and suddenly when I received my hardcopy their was atleast 25 text errors. How in the blank could a publishing company do this to a new and inexperienced author. So Im left with resubmitting my book and additional fee’s. What should I do. Please help me.

Based on the poor writing in the question, it's possible that the "text errors" were caused by the author, not by the publisher.
If the cost of publication was just $500, there was probably no money available for editing.

...

Don't let your title limit your book sales

2012-01-27T06:55:00.001-05:00

In a recent posting in an online group for writers, writer/writing trainer/consultant Paul Lima said, "I will soon be publishing a book of short stories, Hockey Night On Ossington Avenue. A couple of people who actually like the title have suggested that I use a title of one of the other stories for the title of my book -- perhaps Rebel In The Back Seat, The Conquest of Kong, The Winter of Whisky. Why? They feel my title might (might, not will) limit my American exposure and sales... And it might. (Overall, I think it's fair to say we're more passionate about hockey in Canada than you are in the U.S. But I'm not going to change it. This is my labour of love, and I'll call it what I feel it should be called, and I'm OK with that...

I responded:

Unless all of the stories are hockey-related, PLEASE consider changing the title. I have absolutely no interest in hockey, and would probably never buy a book with "hockey" in the title, unless it was something like Hockey Sucks. (I watched one Hockey game -- when I visited a friend at Cornell in 1968. It was amusing, but I have never been motivated to see another skating-and-mayhem session.)

You certainly have the right to call your love child anything you want, but exercizing your right may limit your income -- and deprive potential readers of a pleasant experience.

A few years ago I published a mostly humorous memoir intended mostly for "the kids" I went to school with in the 1950s and 60s. The title was a quote from one of my nutty teachers, I Only Flunk My Brightest Students: Stories From School and Real Life. The title made sense only to others who suffered in the classroom of "Crasy Frehse" in New Haven. Any time I showed the book to strangers, I had to provide an explanation. That's no way to sell books.

Because of good reviews, I revised the book. I replaced and added some stories, and gave the book a new cover and title to appeal to more people: Stories I'd Tell My Children (But Maybe Not Until They're Adults).

As of the end of December, sales are over 1200, which is pretty amazing for a memoir by an unknown. My name is not Obama, Kennedy or Beyonce.

For your book, even tho you haven't asked me, I vote for The Conquest of Kong & other stories.

One good way to evaluate potential titles is to make a quickie cover and wrap it around a real book and hand it to people to see how they react when they hold it in their hands and verbalize the title.

I wish you luck (but a different title may make you luckier).

(Hockey sticks photo from http://sportsautographsshop.com. I thank them.)

...

My Internet blackout

2012-01-26T07:25:00.019-05:00

I had to attend a funeral in southern New Jersey near Philadelphia on Wednesday. We stayed at the Westin Hotel in Mount Laurel. It's a wonderful hotel with excellent facilities, a convenient location, nice people, and there's no charge for having a dog in our room (for which other hotels charge as much as $100). We even got a coupon for a free breakfast, which saved about $16.

Because of our accumulated points from using our Starwood American Express cards, the room -- which normally costs over $200 -- was a freebie. So far, so good.

I took my iPad with me for blogging and Facebook. Unfortunately the hotel charges $9.95 a day to provide Internet access in my room, and I thought that was a bad deal, since so many hotels have free Internet service.

I was briefly thrilled to see that the Internet fee for the PC in the "business center" was just 49 cents per minute (I could have done what I had to do in about three minutes). And then I found that the minimum charge was five bucks.

Altho I am not Mitt or Newt, I can certainly afford $5 or $9.95 (especially with a free room); but I resented having to pay for what other hotels provide for free, and what is likely a high-profit item for the hotel. I decided to follow Wikipedia's example with a one-day blackout.

I was able to use my smart phone for a one-line blog entry ("Not today"), but the tiny screen would have made my normal work/play miserable.

There is no excuse for a hotel

to charge for Internet access in 2012.

It's a basic service, as necessary as running water -- and much more important than the minibar, in-room coffee maker, in-room safe, 2-line cordless phone, bathrobe, pile of five pillows, free mouthwash, 250-thread-count sheets and a free copy of USA Today.

I'm not cheap or ungrateful. I tipped the bellhop and the maid. I'm thrilled that Starwood properties have an enlightened pet policy. I just hope that this blog post will encourage management to realize that, in 2012, Internet access should not be an extra-cost option.

...

Not today

2012-01-25T08:41:00.002-05:00

It's time to stop fighting about what "self-publishing" means

2012-01-24T04:13:00.002-05:00

Online writers' groups and forums have lots of complaints about the term “self-publishing company.”

I agree that the term makes no sense (but it doesn't matter).

Just as no one can self-educate you, self-medicate you or self-immolate you, no one can self-publish you.

I fought that battle for a year in blog posts and in a book. I even formed an organization for what I called “independent self-publishers.”

After a year, I realized that I was wasting my time. My protests were as pointless as peeing into the wind.

Neither I, nor anyone, can stop changes in language, or prevent ambiguities and imprecision.

At one time a “kid” was a young goat, but not a young human being.
A girl (“gyrle”) could be a boy.
“Don we now our gay apparel” does not now mean what it did when the lyric was written.
“Shacking up” seldom happens in a shack -- and a “Radio Shack” is not a shack.
A “notebook” can be a notebook -- or a laptop.
A “bike” can be a bicycle or a motorcycle (or an athletic supporter).
A “jock” can be an athletic supporter or an athlete.
An athletic supporter can be a jockstrap or someone who supports athletics.
A “cordless phone” usually has two cords.
“You guys” often includes females.
A “joystick” may not provide joy.
A telephone’s “ring” may not sound like a bell, and people “dial” calls on phones with no dials.

Like it or not, companies which used to be derisively called vanity presses or subsidy publishers are now using the term “self-publishing company.” It’s a fact of life. It can’t be stopped. Use of the term is not restricted, like “Realtor” is.

Several years ago I formed my own tiny publishing company. I buy and assign ISBNs, hire editors and designers, buy type and photographs, select printers and execute marketing programs. I’m not the only one who does this.

Some folks have claimed that it’s unfair that we and our books are excluded for reviews for major publications, or that we have to pay to be considered for a review by PW Select and Kirkus Discoveries, and that terrestrial booksellers won’t put our books on their shelves.

On the other hand, some independent (I hate the term “indie”) self-publishers sneer at authors who use self-publishing companies. It's like the members of a minority group who are discriminated against by a larger group, and then take out their frustrations on members of a smaller group.

I have recently and reluctantly come to the conclusion that there is really not a lot of difference between me and the customers of self-publishing companies. I like to be involved in all aspects of publishing, and I like complete control of the process, but my way is not the only way.

Just as my books are not necessarily worse than a book from Random House or Simon & Schuster, they are not necessarily better than a book from CreateSpace or Vantage Press.

Some authors who choose to pay to publish may lack the time, knowledge or inclination to hire designers, editors and publicists. They prefer the “one-stop shopping” that self-publishing companies can provide.

The path to publication is irrelevant. All that matters is the quality of the book.

Edward Uhlan founded Exposition Press—an early and important pay-to-publish company—in 1936. He said, “Most people can’t tell the difference between a vanity book and a trade book anyway. A book is a book.”

...

An unintended consequence of selling on Craigslist

2012-01-23T03:34:00.008-05:00

I've recently used Craigslist to sell an old motor scooter, an older bicycle and a picnic table.

I've also listed an assortment of hooks, shelves and other display devices for the "slatwall" panels often used in stores.

I got some stupid questions, some too-low offers, and Friday I received these two emails:

From Arthur Delgado: Michael N. Marcus, someone sexxy is looking to hook up with you and sent you a secret note below:

"Hey is your stuff still on for sale? I got cash prepared. And umm, I saw your post and thought I would give this a shot. Im all yours tomorrow after work around 3:30pm ish so let's have dinner. My cell # is 445-79XX (last 2 digits are covered up) so text me. Can you send me your pictures to my cell so I know you are real and I will reply back with mine too. I even uploaded a video for you on my profile, do you like it? I promise Im not a weirdo just want to become friends and maybe more!"

I'm relieved to know that Arthur is "not a weirdo."

From Todd Mitchell: I read your ad and decided to ask you something important. I am married and caught my partner cheating on me so I must get even! My coworker said cl would be the best place to find somebody who I can hook up with for one time only so thought the hell, I would email someone I thought sounded incredible in the ad and came across yours! You seem real and interesting so would you be maybe interested in chatting online first to see if we're feeling each other? To prove to you that I am real, I uploaded all of my pix, phone #, and a special note for you only under my private profile page. Can you call me today if you think I am hot? This way I can weed out bots and scammers as I'm sick of them! I bet you'll be astonished to see who I am! :)

Hmm, I wonder if I can fix up Arthur and Todd. I wonder if they need any shelf brackets or hooks.

But wait -- there's more. This just came in from Jeffrey King:

Are you real? This might be unusual but I see that you live nearby and was inquiring if you would like to join our secret adult fun club. Basically we are seeking out local members with needs to to test their sexual fetishes or sexual needs in 5 star hotels. You'll be introduced to lots of hotties and you will pair up with whoever you want. There's no cost, very discreet and safe!

One and only thing we do require is that you must create a free adult facebook profile to verify that you are not underage and local. That is all. Once you do so, sexy locals will send you a private message with their phone # and pictures. Why don't you see to see who's available for you? You'll be surprised!
...

Sorry Newt. Those are not my values.

2012-01-22T07:56:00.000-05:00

In his victory speech last night, Newt said, "I articulate the deepest-felt values of the American people."

Dishonesty, egomania, intolerance, bombast and hypocrisy?

...

Musing upon my muses

2012-01-20T07:14:00.003-05:00

In ancient Greek mythology, the muses were goddesses or spirits who inspire the creation of literature and art. There were originally three muses, but the group later grew to nine.

In Renaissance and Neoclassical art, the muses were equipped with specific props to help identify them.

Calliope (epic poetry) carries a writing tablet; Clio (history) carries a scroll and books; Erato (lyrical poetry) has a lyre and a crown of roses; Euterpe (music) carries a flute; Melpomene (tragedy) has a tragic mask; Polyhymnia (sacred poetry) often has a pensive expression; Terpsichore (dance) is often portrayed dancing and carrying a lyre; Thalia (comedy) is usually portrayed with a comic mask; and Urania (astronomy) carries a pair of compasses and the celestial globe.

The word "muse" is used in modern English to refer to an inspiration, but also exists in "amuse", "museum" (from muselon -- a temple where the muses were worshipped), "music", and "musing upon."

Traditionally, muses have been beautiful goddesses. So far I've had three muses, and they are all women.

I don't know if women writers, artists and musicians have male muses. Would Fabio be amusing to J. K. Rowling or Yoko Ono?

Sometimes a live muse may provide active encouragement, but sometimes a muse may just be lurking in the background of the mind. Sometimes a muse will be hovering above, always observing, visible and inspiring.

Creativity often includes an innate desire to please, perhaps going back to infancy and childhood when we want to make mommy happy so we get fed.

There can be a courtship aspect to bemusement -- perhaps not planned or thought about. Even if there is no feedback, a writer can be stimulated to do better and better, to win the heart of the goddess (or god). A writer may even imagine having sex with the muse, and words become a subconscious gift, like flowers or candy or jewelry while dating or trying to seduce. Elton John wrote, "My gift is my song and this one's for you." I'm not sure who the song was written for.

For most of my writing career I wrote about things and about how people related to things. About seven years ago I became comfortable writing about people without the things, and writing fiction as well as non-fiction. This coincided with my reconnecting by email with "D," a girlfriend from college whom I thought would become my wife.

After a while she lost interest in communicating with me, and I stopped writing the book she inspired me to start. I later reconnected with "P," one of the first females I was attracted to. I shared my cookies with her in second grade. Her presence helped me finish the book.

In 2008 I finally became comfortable writing about emotions.

This important evolutionary development coincided with my reconnecting with "R." She was a very important girlfriend from high school, and the first woman I thought about marrying. She has become my most powerful muse and is responsible for what I consider to be my completion as a writer.

I've been married for over 40 years, but I never thought my wife was my muse. Perhaps because I did win her heart and we did marry and are still together, there’s less urge to please her. Perhaps her daily physical presence weakens the more spiritual connection necessary for musing. I don’t know. Maybe she really has been one of my muses but I just didn’t realize it.

(some info from Wikipedia)

...

It's time for realism, immodesty and encouragement

2012-01-19T06:41:00.007-05:00

It's difficult to get meaningful sales numbers in publishing. When the "big six" traditional publishing companies announce first print runs, those numbers don't indicate how many books were actually purchased by readers (and certainly not how many books were actually read), because bookstores can return books that haven't been sold in a few months.

Any writer should be able to sell between a few dozen and a few hundred copies of a book, but if you want to sell thousands or tens of thousands, you’ll have to work very hard, and get lucky, and maybe even make your own good luck. Despite a few notable success stories—mostly involving selling a self-published title to a traditional publisher—apparently most self-published books sell fewer than 200 copies, and many of those 200 are sold to people the author knows.

You probably won’t get rich by self-publishing. You may feel good and receive some compliments, and maybe even advance your career. But, unless you pick the right topic, produce an excellent book, work your ass off promoting it and are very lucky, don’t quit your day job.

Don’t let advertising blind you to reality or make you star-struck. Schiel & Denver is an outrageously dishonest self-publishing company. It said, “You can rest assured your book will go on sale at over 160,000+ online and traditional retail stores, in over 100 countries.” That’s extremely deceptive. While a book may be orderable at thousands of stores, that’s not the same thing as “on sale at” with the implication of on-the-shelf availability.
Vantage Press is one of the few honest self-publishing companies. It has some good advice: “Please be realistic. Most books by new authors do not sell well, and most authors do not recoup the publishing fee.”

Sales information for self-published books is hard to get because authors seldom reveal the numbers.

Morris Rosenthal—who had the right topic and knows much more about self-publishing than most people—revealed that sales of his Start Your Own Computer Business totaled 1623 copies in 2003. If you can net $5 to $10 per copy, that’s a nice part-time business.
In an interview with WBJB radio, David Maturo, then the Finance VP of Xlibris, said that some of its authors sell as few as one or two books. Maturo revealed that the average number of books sold per author is 150. He said 64% are bought by the author. That leaves just 54 books out of 150 to be sold to real customers. OUCH.
According to Maturo, the average author expenditure at Xlibris was $1,400. The math is depressing. Authors spent about $26 to produce each of the books that were sold to the public—typically priced from $8.50 to $19.99.
Author Solutions CEO Kevin Weiss, told the New York Times that the average sale per title from any of the company’s brands is around 150.
iUniverse VP Susan Driscoll told the Times that “most writers using iUniverse sell fewer than 200 books” and 40 percent are sold directly to authors. The Times said, “If a title sells more than 500 copies its first year, [iUniverse] may invest in marketing the book and invite the author to become a “Star.” But of iUniverse’s 17,000 published titles, the authors of only 84 have been chosen as Stars, and only a half-dozen have made it to Barnes & Noble store shelves.”
Lulu founder Bob Young told ABCtales.com, “A publishing house dreams of having ten authors selling a million books each. Lulu wants a million authors selling 100 books each.”

According to Publishers Weekly, in a recent year only 2% of book titles sold more than 5,000 copies and the average book from a mainstream publisher sold about 500 copies.

Now I get to brag a bit. I learned yesterday that more than 1200 copies of my Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults) have been sold. If about 500 copies of the "average book from a mainstream publisher" are sold, I'm feeling very good right now.

I formed my own tiny publishing company and wrote this book mostly for family and friends. Although I know it's a good book, I am amazed (and thrilled) that so many people are reading the life story of someone they never heard of. (I'm not Sarah Palin or Bill Gates.)

I wish I could hang out with a few hundred of my "customers" some place with good music and beer. I'm sure we'd swap some great stories.

I thank all of you who have bought the book, and reviewed the book and recommended the book. (For those of you who have not yet read it, please do so. It's available as a hardcover, paperback and in multiple e-book formats.)

Also, if any of you have stories to tell -- tell them. Don't be silent. Don't be discouraged. E-books and print-on-demand make it easy for any writer to try to find an audience.

...

2012-vintage JuJu Hearts report

2012-01-18T09:44:00.001-05:00

January is named for Janus, the Roman god of doors. I'm not sure why the Romans needed a door god; but they had loads of gods, so they could certainly spare one to watch the door. Maybe Janus was the first bouncer.

Anyway, January is the door to the year, and I like January a lot. Each day we get a few more minutes of daylight. Five p.m. now comes during the day, not at night. Even though we had a bit of snow yesterday, the earth is warming. Spring is coming. Crocuses will be popping in about 40 days. In about 73 days, the cover comes off the pool, and my ancient and beloved bright-red 1978 Fiat convertible comes out of the garage. (I may have to push it out because there's a good chance it won't start. Turning the key on an ancient Fiat is like playing Russian Roulette.)

But the best thing about January can be found in chain drugstores like CVS and Rite Aid. That's where you can get JuJu Hearts, the magical chewy-gooey red cherry candies I've been addicted to since babyhood. If I close my eyes when I open the package, the sweet aroma transports me to Cherry Blossom Time in Washington DC -- or at least to my grandmother's apartment in the Bronx.

When I was a kid, my Grandma Del would buy pounds and pounds from Krum's -- the pre-eminent candy store in the Bronx, or maybe in the world.

Some years she even arranged to buy the huge pile of hearts on display in the window, at a special price after Valentine's Day. We grandchildren would get a few pounds in February, and Grandma would stash the rest in her freezer, to be gradually defrosted and doled out throughout the year. (In later years, when Grandma Del moved to Florida, I provided JuJu Hearts for her.)

Krum's was famous for its candies and ice cream sodas, and used to be on the Grand Concourse between 188th Street and Fordham Road. In the front of the store was a huge display case of chocolates and other candies, and farther back you could sit and slurp. The landmark Loew's Paradise Theater was across the street, and before McDonalds and Taco Bell came to town, teenagers went to Krum's for a post-picture snack.

The Loew's Paradise has been reincarnated as a mostly-Latino concert venue, Grandma Del and Krum's are long gone, but JuJu Hearts have survived. The price has gone from 15 cents a pound to 99 cents for a 9 ounce bag in 2009, to $1.59 for 12 ounces in 2011 to 99 cents for 6 ounces at CVS or $1.99 for 12 ounces at RiteAid in 2012. This year, Walgreen doesn't have JuJus.

In most years, we get a bit less for our money, but addicts don't care about the cost of their fix.

Product names, candy size, flavor, retail availability, manufacturers and even the country of origin vary over time.

My first fix of 2012 was at CVS, which has their own brand on small expensive packages. When I opened a bag, it smelled a bit too sweet. The candy also tasted a bit too sweet, and was too sticky. I quickly adjusted.

Rite-Aid is once again selling Jujus with the "Brach's" brand -- which now belongs to candy giant Farley's and Sathers. F&S now supplies such vital foods as Chuckles, Jujyfruits and Jujubes. The product name has morphed, too. It's now "Jube Jel Cherry Hearts."

The taste is fine -- just a tad sweeter than the 2010 vintage, but not as sweet as 2011. (I have samples preserved in my freezer.) There is also a weird smell I couldn't identify when I first opened the bag. Texture was a bit waxy, but after about four pieces they seemed OK to me.

JuJu/Jube Jel Hearts' taste and texture are unique: sweeter and softer than red hot dollars, but not as sweet or slimy as Gummi bears or worms.

Strangely, the JuJu/Jube Jel Heart formula doesn't seem to be used for anything else, at any other time of year -- not even for JuJubes or Jujyfruits. But that's OK. JuJu Heart season is only a little longer than the bloom of the Cherry Blossom. The rarity makes them more special, and less destructive to teeth and glucose levels... and freezers make it possible to prolong the pleasure.

2011 is not a great year for JuJu Hearts, but 2011 is a pretty good year -- except for the price -- and it's much better than the dreadful 2009).

JuJu Hearts are like pistachio nuts or sex. When they're great, they're fan-tastic. When they're pretty good, they're good enough; and when they're bad, they're terrible.

JuJu history

The JuJu name apparently comes from the jujube, a red fruit first cultivated in China over 4,000 years ago, that can be used for tea, wine, and throat medication, or eaten as a snack.
A jujube tree in Israel is estimated to be over 300 years old.
The jujube's sweet smell is said to make teenagers fall in love, and in the Himalaya mountains, young men put jujube flowers on their hats to attract hot Sherpa babes.
In West Africa, a Juju refers to the supernatural power ascribed to objects or fetishes. Juju can be synonymous with witchcraft, and may be the origin of the American voodoo.

Some of the first JuJu Hearts were made by the Henry Heide Candy Company, founded in 1869 by Henry Heide, who immigrated to New York from Germany. Heide Candy became known for Jujubes, Jujyfruits, jelly beans, Red Hot Dollars, Gummi Bears and Mexican Hats, which have been perennial favorites in movie theaters and five-and-dime stores.

The business stayed in the Heide family through four generations, and was sold to Hershey Foods in 1995. In 2002, Farley's & Sathers Candy Co. acquired the Heide brand products from Hershey.

Although F&S owned Heide, they did not produce Heide's hearts.

Through the 2009 season, the hearts were distributed by Mayfair Candy, in Buffalo, NY. Over the years, I've encountered some really crappy hearts. Mayfair made the real thing. My dog loves them, too -- but he never refuses anything that's remotely edible.

Strangely, there were two (maybe more) kinds of JuJu Hearts distributed by Mayfair. The "original" version was sold by Rite-Aid (and possibly others). I discovered another inferior version for the first time in 2007, at CVS. The individual candy pieces were smaller than the originals, and they had a second heart shape molded onto the front of each piece. They didn't taste nearly as good as the originals: they were too sweet and not as chewy. Strangely, the same packaging, with same ingredients and same stock number, was used for both.

You can get JuJu Hearts online. Metro Candy offers 5-lb and 30-lb batches from Ferrara Pan. I have not tasted them

Special thanks to Philip Heide,
and Roger McEldowney of Mayfair.
Loew's photo from http://www.agilitynut.com/

Cover your book before you write it

2012-01-17T07:55:00.009-05:00

(My first book, published by Doubleday in 1977)

If you write a book that gets published by a traditional publisher, it can take three years to find an agent and for the agent to find a publisher who will accept you and produce the book. In this long process, one of the last things that gets done is cover design.

The author may have some input, but the publisher has the final say on the design -- and even on the title of the book, which can certainly influence the way the cover looks.

If you are working with a self-publishing company, the time between writing and printing is compressed from years to months, but the cover still comes after the writing.

In independent self-publishing, I've found (speaking after self-pubbing about 20 books) that it can be very useful to have a cover design even before the first word is written.

This cover was designed last summer. I haven't started writing the book yet.

You don't have to have a final design (in fact, you shouldn't) but even a "rough layout" will help solidify the project in your mind. The more real the book is to you, the more likely you are to keep typing. If you have front and back covers, and a financial investment in what you've paid your designer to produce, it's natural to want to fill the space between the covers and start selling some books.

Living with a cover design over a period of months while you write can be very useful. There can be, and should be, an interaction between the exterior and interior of the book. Exterior and interior will evolve together.

The back cover of the book should have a strong indication of what's in the book -- a reason for book-store shoppers to to carry it from the shelf to the cash register. It could be your last opportunity to make a sale, so make it a strong sales pitch!

But even if your books are going to be sold online only, and no purchaser will read the back until after the book is delivered, the back of the book can be very useful to you. It's a summary -- maybe even a statement of principles -- that should help to keep you focused and remind you of what you had in mind when you first conceived the book. (Remember, you can show the back cover on Amazon.com -- so make it powerful and useful.)

It's normal for the words on the cover to change as you write words for the inside. Sometimes the title may change. Sometimes you just have a "working title" and the final title emerges from deep inside the book. Sometimes you'll come up with a new subtitle, or even swap title and subtitle.

From a strictly business standpoint, having a preliminary title and cover allow you to start promotion to build awareness and desire in advance. If you have an "author" website, your future covers should be shown there, along with brief descriptions and approximate publication dates. If you blog, show your next book(s) on the blog, like I've done.

...

Don't trust your eyes. Don't trust your monitor.

2012-01-16T06:25:00.000-05:00

While fixing up a scan of an old photograph for use in a book, I used a graphics program to simply paint some black over various white spots and streaks in the otherwise solid-black background.

Later on, I printed a couple of pages on a color laser printer simply to compare a few different type sizes and fonts.

I was horrified to see that the photo that had looked perfect on my LCD monitor, had dark black blotches against a grayer backround.

It was a scary and valuable lesson, and I'm glad I learned it before the book was printed. Apparently most LCD monitors just don't have the ability to display the full range of colors that can be printed -- or even the colors that can be displayed by an ancient CRT monitor.

I re-did my retouching.

...

What to do when your mouse dies

2012-01-13T04:16:00.001-05:00

Most computer mice are quite reliable. Today's models that use lasers instead of rolling balls should last for years.

A wireless mouse will need new batteries every month or so, depending on how often the mouse is used. Some mice will warn you when your batteries are running low. Some won't.

However, even the best of mice will stop working unexpectedly, either because of a malfunction in the PC or mouse, or even because of some wacky stuff built into the page you are trying to copy from. Sometimes mice can be brought back to life by thumping them on the mouse pad, briefly removing batteries, or re-booting the PC.

If you're in the middle of some important copying-and-pasting, and don't want to take the time to re-boot or hunt for batteries or do other techie stuff, you can always revert to keyboard based functions.

Here are the basic Windows commands:

CTRL+A; select All
CTRL+C: Copy
CTRL+X: Cut
CTRL+V: Paste
CTRL+Z: Undo
CTRL+B: Bold
CTRL+U: Underline
CTRL+I: Italic

I actually had to use shortcuts to paste the list into this page. There may be similar shortcuts for the Mac, but I don't speak Applish.

Photo from SuperStock.com. Thanks

...

Check, please

2012-01-12T05:25:00.003-05:00

No matter how many times you read, re-read and re-re-read, you're bound to find mistakes in anything you've written. It's best to find them before the book is printed.

Back in 2009, just minutes before I had planned to send a book to the printer, I decided to check my table of contents.

I had a feeling that as I changed the length of some chapters, a page number might have changed.

I actually found three wrong page numbers, and two chapters were missing from the table.

Apparently, I didn't learn the lesson well enough.

Last week I was trying to find a chapter in one of my books that has many chapters. I couldn't find it by flipping through the pages, and I couldn't find it by studiously scanning the table of contents.

When I looked even more carefully, I realized that the last entry at the bottom of one page of the TOC was Chapter 51, but the first entry on the top of the next page was Chapter 53.

There was no listing for Chapter 52.

I feel like a blind idiot.

(IMPORTANT WARNING: Any time you fix an error in a book, you may create more errors.)

...

Bullshit, high prices and stupidity at InstantPublisher.com

2012-01-11T06:36:00.010-05:00

According to its website, "InstantPublisher.com is the short run book publisher division of Fundcraft Publishing Company, the world's largest personalized cookbook publisher. Fundcraft started as a small publishing house in eastern Kansas in the early 30's specializing in short-run custom cookbooks for groups and organizations across the country. Today, Fundcraft ships millions of personalized cookbooks each year to every state."

InstantPublisher.com ("IP") is one of many pay-to-publish companies that demonstrate very few reasons to do business with them. IP is overpriced, inept, boastful and dishonest.

The page above makes some ridiculous claims:

InstantPublisher says it is everyon'e favorite book publishing company. It is not my favorite book publishing company. Maybe it's not yours, either. Maybe it's not the favorite of millions of other people. The statement is absurd.
InstantPublisher says it is "nationally recognized." By which people, in which nation, for doing what?
InstantPublisher says it is "quickly becoming the #1 Book Publishing Service." I'm not sure how IP defines "#1," but since most of its competitors are privately held companies, IP does not have their sales figures or other statistics and can't back up the claim.
This page, like others, has errors in English that should not be committed by a publishing company. "10-years" should not be hyphenated. Other terms that the company uses, like "cost effective," need hyphens.

IP tells us that "As a self-publisher, you can receive 50% to 200% profit, when self publishing."

That short statement is redundant, and demonstrates very bad math. It's impossible to receive 200% profit. Profit on book sales is usually somewhere in the 20% to 60% range. If you are able to get a book printed for a dollar and sell it for ten bucks, your (gross) profit is 90%. If you can get a book printed for nothing, and sell it for a penny -- or a dollar, ten bucks or a million bucks -- your profit is 100%. It can never be more than 100%

The company says that "InstantPublisher simply cannot be beat in the short run book printing industry."

IP gives us an example of "250 copies of a 150 page book, which is 5 ½ x 8 ½ inches perfect bound with a color cover, your cost would be $3.17 per book." The price from CreateSpace ("CS") is just $2.65 per book (even if I order just one copy), with me providing my own cover design (for which IP charges 25 cents extra per copy).
The IP chart above shows a total price of $410.72 for 25 books. That is MANY TIMES the price from other printers, and probably eliminates the chance of making any profit.
CS provides distribution to Amazon, B&N and other booksellers, but IP has NO distribution.
IP requires customers to buy at least 25 copies. CS has no minimum.
IP charges $50 for an unbound proof. I can get a bound proof from CS for $2.65 plus postage.

The company says that "any person who writes a book can design the cover and text pages in any Microsoft Windows or Mac based program." The text samples below from IP's own promotional publication, show that the alleged professionals at "one of the top book publishing companies" have a lot to learn about formatting pages. IP's "high quality" work is as bad as I have seen from some first-timers who know nothing about typography. Apparently no one at IP even knows how to hyphenate. A publication that is intended to impress printing customers should not be ugly.

IP says, "InstantPublisher.com does not . . . distribute your books, except for free listings on our web site."

Other companies, including CS and Lightning Source, provide worldwide distribution to booksellers -- and charge less. The value of a listing on the IP site is approximately zero. IP expects its authors to become booksellers. Other companies do not.

The IP website provides information on its authors' books -- but does not allow prospective readers to order the books.

Competitors such as CS, Lulu and Outskirts do sell books for their authors.

IP says, "With an extra $0.25/book cost, you can optionally select plastic lamination for your cover finishing."

Other companies provide laminated covers at no additional charge.

IP says, "If you already have an ISBN number, Instantpublisher.com . . . can create the barcode for $15.00 during the order process.

Other companies will provide the barcode for free.

IP says it "offers two different ISBN options. The first ISBN option retails for $75. This number will list Instantpublisher as the publisher of record and we will be listed as the main contact for your book."

CreateSpace and other companies can provide an ISBN for free.

IP says, "By accessing, using or browsing this SITE, you (the "USER") are deemed to have read, understood and agreed to each of the terms, conditions, and notices set forth in this AGREEMENT. In addition, when using any particular content or service on this SITE, USER shall also be subject to and deemed to have read, understood and agreed to any posted guidelines or rules applicable to such content and services that may contain terms and conditions in addition to the terms, conditions and notices set forth in this AGREEMENT.

Amazing. If I read anything on the website, IP assumes that I agree to all of its terms, even if I did not see or read the terms.

IP says that "Black and white books will be printed on 8 1/2 x 11 inch paper. Color book proofs will be trimmed to size. If you do want a proof copy of your book before printing, there will be a flat charge of $50.00 for any color book order and any black & white book order that is under 200 copies. For black & white book order that is over 200 copies, the proof copy cost is $30.00. With the proof copy option, you will be mailed an unbound proof of your book and cover."

I can get a bound proof (with proper color cover and proper-size pages) from CS for about three bucks plus postage.

In conclusion, there seems to be little or no reason to use Instantpublisher.com. I sent IP an email asking, "Do you have some advantage that I did not see?" I did not receive a response.

...

I ain't never gunna say "gunna"

2012-01-10T06:13:00.001-05:00

The current Republican presidential nominating process has led to an abnormally high number of speeches. Sadly, lots of the public pronouncements make me want to puke.

Presidential wannabes ranging from hillbillies like Perry and Cain, and even Harvard-educated Romney (and Harvard-educated actual-presidents Obama and Bush) seem to be unable to say the simple phrase, "going to."

All day long, candidates, government officials and even newscasters lapse into the infantile contraction, "gunna."

Office-holders and media people should should set a good example for the American public -- especially for young people. Sloppy speech is simply not acceptable.

People who say "gunna" should have their diplomas revoked.

...

It's tuf too tawk Inglish rite

2012-01-09T05:59:00.002-05:00

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

(Apparently excerpted from The Chaos by Gerard Nolst Trenité.)

...

Hooking up with the Beep Line

2012-01-07T07:57:00.001-05:00

Long before AOL, MySpace, FaceBook, YouTube, and even long before the Internet, college kids were connecting through chat rooms accidentally provided by their local phone companies.

I don’t know who discovered it, but when several people reached a busy phone number, they were connected together in a conference call, on a “beep line;” and people could speak between the beeps.

When I was a student at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania in the late 1960s, young men at Lehigh used the beep line to try to get dates with young ladies from Cedar Crest College in neighboring Allentown, or even with "townies" who worked at Bethlehem Steel.

Around 8 p.m. on Saturday, a desperate, dateless Lehigh guy would call his own busy phone number to reach the beep line, hoping a similarly dateless girl would have done the same thing.

The conversation might go like this:

"Hi BEEP I’m BEEP Steve BEEP a BEEP football BEEP player BEEP at BEEP Lehigh. BEEP. Does BEEP anyone BEEP want BEEP to BEEP go BEEP to BEEP a BEEP party? BEEP."

"Hi BEEP Steve BEEP I’m BEEP Cindy BEEP a BEEP hot BEEP freshman BEEP cheer BEEP leader BEEP at BEEP Cedar BEEP Crest. BEEP. I BEEP can BEEP be BEEP ready BEEP at BEEP nine BEEP. Call BEEP me BEEP at BEEP 86 BEEP 75 BEEP 55 BEEP 5 BEEP."

"OK BEEP Cindy BEEP hang BEEP up BEEP and BEEP I’ll BEEP call BEEP you. BEEP Do BEEP you BEEP have BEEP a BEEP car? BEEP. What BEEP kind BEEP of BEEP beer BEEP do BEEP you BEEP like? BEEP. Are BEEP you BEEP on BEEP the BEEP pill? BEEP."

I can’t tell you how many of the dates actually happened, or how many of them resulted in romance. As in today’s chat rooms, there was lots of lying. Many of the alleged football heroes weren't; and the allegedly beautiful-and-willing blond 18-year-old college girl might turn out to be a 14-year-old junior-high-school student -- and might not even be a girl.

Eventually, Bell’s central office equipment was "improved," and the beep line disappeared.

-- from my Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults)

...

Outskirts Press recommends copyediting, and needs copyediting

2012-01-06T08:11:00.001-05:00

From the Outskirts Press blog, http://selfpublishingadvisor.com/2012/01/03/the-truth-about-copy-editing/

(Left-click to enlarge. "Readers" should be "reads.")

Here's an email from an author who paid Outskirts for editing:

"I wish I would have read your blog before I published my first novel with Outskirts. I have had some scathing reviews due to the errors that were left in my book after I paid a small fortune for editing with the Outskirts editing team.

I was so excited when my book was first released, but after a few family members pointed out the mistakes left behind, I can't describe the restraint it took for me not to explode.

I tried to reason with my so-called marketing representative, but she simply hid behind the "fine print" they give you after they receive payment from you. It would have cost me another small fortune to revise the book, and I am still in debt from publishing it in the first place. The marketing representative simply would not assume any responsibility for mistakes that Outskirts made.

Outskirts made me feel paranoid about not getting their editing service, but when I did it was as if I had no editing at all. The only consolation that I have, is that I have a few fans that were willing to give me a chance as a new author. They loved my book.

I'm sure other writers would hate to be scammed out of their money for a service as unreliable as Outskirts' editing. I purchased the editing service for peace of mind, not to hold my breath each time a review comes out, only to be criticized for editing I paid for but did not receive."

...

Is this the worst-written African scam letter, ever?

2012-01-05T08:03:00.002-05:00

I typically receive about a dozen scam emails each week, usually from Nigeria or Ghana. The letters typically want me to think I am the heir to a vast fortune from a dead king or general, or ask my help in processing a transfer of funds -- for which I will be richly rewarded. If I decide to cooperate, the scammer will ask for information about my bank account so he can transfer the loot to me. In reality, if I was stupid enough to fall for the scam, my bank account would be looted.

I have no idea how many people fall for this crap.

Some of the letters are well written, and might fool the naive and greedy. On the other hand, some -- like the following -- are so poorly done that the ineffective perps probably flunked out of scam school.

Michael G Wooldridge Solicitors
21 Shirley Road,

Hello ,

I am Michael Wooldridge, Sole executor to late Mr Joel, who worked as a Businessman here in Ghana. Joel died on the 4th of oct, 2003.

I received official notice from his finance house to present a relative of he's BUT till date i have not been able to locate anyone hence i found you. I do not want this finance institution to sit on his estate worth GBP7.8Million.

Feel free to contact me or do let me know your best time for calls.

Regards,

Michael Wooldridge
Senior Partnerocks Green, Ghana,West Africa
woodridgeamichael@gmail.com

Note that "Wooldridge" is spelled without the "L" in the sloppy scammer's email address. Also, the official language of Ghana is ENGLISH.

-----

OH! Here's a good one from the mother of "three plates" in Benin:

Hello,

My name is Mrs Yetunde Owolabi from Repulic of Benin, I gave birth to three plates, 3 children at a time after the death my husband on 18th of June 2011 by auto car accident. Already we have received 5 children from God, right now I can’t take care of them so I have decided to give them out for adoption, if you are interested let me know, I am not selling them but you will only pay for adoption fees to the ministry in concern and the Lawyer will legalized all the relevant documents and the baby will become legally yours.

Thanks,

Mrs. Yetunde Owolabi

-----------
map from http://www.ilike2learn.com/

...

How to find a freelance editor

2012-01-04T07:27:00.002-05:00

While writers' magazines and directories have lists and ads for professional editors, there is another potential source of high-quality editing that may be available for less money, and the editors may be available to do your work much sooner.

Check with some journalism departments and college newspapers -- perhaps where you went to school -- and chances are you'll be able to find several bright and eager candidates. Read some samples of their work. Maybe submit a sample chapter for editing. Ask a faculty member for opinions. Then make the deal.

Skill levels will vary, of course, and so will needs and costs. You can pay per hour or per project. Expect to pay more if you need major rewriting than just copy editing.

A student who has a part-time job making minimum wage flipping burgers will probably be thrilled to earn $20 per hour, or $300 - $500 for a project. As a comparison, one publishing company that caters to self-publishing authors recently charged $50 per hour or 1.4 cents per word.

If the job goes well, be sure to put your editor's name in the book, and send a note to his or her faculty advisor.

As long as you're investigating colleges, consider hiring a professor, not just a student. If you're writing in a specialized field, it could be worthwhile to hire a faculty member to check your facts, and pay someone else to polish your prose.

...

Step One: improve your writing

2012-01-03T05:07:00.000-05:00

(from an online discussion group for writers, publishers and editors)

"Hi guys , I need your help . I wanna communicate by effective way with the internatinal news agencies to present my articles and my writings ."
...

Would you rather be depressed or DEAD?

2012-01-02T06:13:00.004-05:00

Cymbalta is an antidepressant made by Lilly. It has been approved by the American FDA, and health authorities in Canada and Europe.

Lilly wants you to know that:

Cymbalta may cause suicidal thought and behavior

Cymbalta may cause severe liver problems, sometimes fatal

Cymbalta may cause life-threatening skin reactions

Cymbalta may cause falls, possibly resulting in serious injuries

Cymbalta may worsen diabetes

Cymbalta may cause nausea
Cymbalta may cause dry mouth
Cymbalta may cause sleepiness
Cymbalta may cause fatigue
Cymbalta may cause constipation
Cymbalta may cause dizziness
Cymbalta may cause decreased appetite
Cymbalta may cause increased sweating
Cymbalta may cause increased blood pressure
Cymbalta may cause low sodium levels
Cymbalta may cause bleeding
Cymbalta may worsen glaucoma

Cymbalta may cause problems with urine flow

Cymbalta may cause headaches

Cymbalta may cause weakness

Cymbalta may cause confusion

Cymbalta may cause problems concentrating

Cymbalta may cause memory problems

WARNING: Reading the list of side effects may cause depression.

More at Wikipedia

...

There's still time to help charities, and help yourself

2011-12-30T03:46:00.000-05:00

As the year ends, you have only a little while left to make tax deductible donations to charity. It's not a big deal to write a couple of checks, and lots of charities accept credit card donations and have convenient websites. However, if you want to spread money around, American Express makes it extremely easy -- and personally profitable.

The Members Give program (formerly "Giving Express") connects you to over a million charitable organizations! You can search for them by name, keywords, location, or use an extensive list of categories such as performing arts, education, health care, housing, human rights, disaster relief, religion and much more. The AmEx website has financial reports, mission statements, contacts, and other information regarding the organizations.

Donating online helps nonprofit organizations reduce administrative costs so that they can do more with the money. Your dollar donations are tax-deductible and you’ll receive an e-mail receipt for your records.

• Give to one or more charities and nonprofit organizations
• Donate dollars with your American Express Card
• Donate Membership Rewards points
• Set up recurring donations

When you make a donation, you'll get an immediate e-mail confirmation for each transaction. AmEx will post a detailed record of all your donations on your password-protected Giving History web page, if you need a record for an IRS audit in the future.

This is also the time of year to engage in some intensive house cleaning and office cleaning. I recommend the one-year-test (or six-month test, or pick another appropriate interval). If there is something you haven't used in a year, there is a good chance that you won't use it in the next year... or decade.

Gather these things together and take them to your nearby Goodwill or Salvation Army "store." You'll get rid of clutter, get a tax donation, provide employment, and help someone less fortunate get a bargain on something she needs. While you're there, you may find some bargains to buy, too.

Although not specifically a year-end reminder, think about getting a credit card that will help an important charity or organization with your normal spending. For example, Bank of America works with Susan G. Komen for the Cure® to provide co-branded credit cards, debit cards and checking accounts, encouraging people to "Make every purchase pink." For each new Susan G. Komen for the Cure branded credit card account opened and used, Komen receives a minimum of $3, and a minimum of 20 cents for every $100 you make in purchases with the card. Komen also receives $1 for each annual renewal of the card. CLICK for info.

...

Complaining about cable

2011-12-29T05:56:00.002-05:00

Today's Wall Street Journal has an excellent article about constantly increasing prices for cable TV, and how subscribers can negotiate better deals.

Journal writer Lauren A. E. Schuker says, "Today, the average cable TV subscriber pays about $128 a month . . . —nearly three times the $48 they paid each month in 2001 . . . . The increase is largely the result of sharply rising costs of programming, particularly sports. The TV networks pass those additional costs onto the operators, which in turn pass them onto consumers. . . . Cable-company executives have said publicly that they're worried rising costs could drive consumers away. . . . Comcast Corp., lost 442,000 video subscribers in the first nine months of this year . . . . Time Warner Cable Inc. lost 319,000 over the same period."

My wife and I have service from Cablevision, which includes a dozen or more sports channels which we never never ever ever watch.

Why should we be forced to subsidize the jocks who do watch, and the compulsive shoppers, and people who understand languages that we don't?

The NHL Network and the Jewelry Channel and TV Chile are NOT necessities like education, police and highways that should to be paid for by all citizens.

We pay for access to hundreds of channels, but we could be very happy with about a dozen.

On the other hand, there are a few channels and programs that we'd like to have, which Cablevision doesn't provide. We'd like to see Keith Olbermann on Current TV, and Law & Order UK on BBC America -- but we can't.

It's time for all cable providers to offer access to EVERY channel, and to allow subscribers to pay for only the ones they care about.

...

Pursue your dream. Don't be discouraged by the publishing grinches

2011-12-28T06:10:00.009-05:00

Many writers turn to independent self-publishing or "self-publishing companies" after being rejected by agents or traditional publishers. (Of course, many writers -- like me -- prefer the control, speed and income of independent publishing.)

While rejection can be depressing and discouraging, the failure to be approved by the media gatekeepers is not necessarily an indication of bad writing or an uninteresting idea.

Books are rejected for many reasons (not only bad quality), but they usually are accepted for one reason: because someone thinks they will make money.

Sarah Palin's Going Rogue and the endless stream of celebrities' addiction/abuse/confession/recipes/weight-loss books are not published in anticipation of glorifying the publisher by winning Pulitzer prizes. They are published in anticipation of making money.

Professional judgment is imperfect. Many books that are rejected by one publisher -- or by many publishers -- are later accepted by another publisher.

Joanne Rowling's first Harry Potter book was rejected by TWELVE publishing companies. More than 400 million Potter books have been sold, and the Potter movies have been seen by many millions. I wonder if any of the publishing executives who rejected that first book were fired for bad judgment.

Most books published by traditional publishing companies with highly paid experts having years of experience, do not sell well. After a few months they are doomed to be sold on the buck-a-book tables or recycled into the raw materials for more books.

My taste in books apparently puts me in the minority of book buyers. Often I eagerly buy a new book as soon as it is released. As expected, I love the book. Alas, few others care about the subject, and the book is soon available for almost nothing at Barnes & Noble or Dollar Tree. This has become a running joke in my family, and my wife would strongly prefer that I wait a while and pay just one dollar instead of $25.

But I won't wait.

There may be many people like me who are waiting for what you are writing. Find a way to reach us.

If you can't get a contract from a publisher, self-publish... on paper, online, or in e-books. Don't be stopped. Don't be silenced. Don't skip professional editing and design. Don't publish crap. Readers may want your words. Get to work.

(Grinch pic from Universal Pictures. I thank them.)

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Unique abuse

2011-12-27T02:48:00.001-05:00

Liberal and gutsy radio talk show host Lynn Samuels died on Christmas eve. Lynn worked at several New York City radio stations starting in 1979, and had broadcasted on satellite radio since 2003. I listened to her often, but not always. She could be entertaining and annoying. (So can I.)

In a few hours Sirius XM will begin an on-the-air memorial. That's nice.

Sirius XM has been running promos for the memorial, describing Lynn as "unique and one of a kind." That's not nice. In fact it's redundant and STOOPID.

"Unique" means "one of a kind." There is no need to say both.

"Unique" is one of the most abused (that's worse than merely misused) words in the English language.

It's very common to read and hear the phrase "most unique." It's used in speeches, ads, commercials, websites, books and news reports. It's used by idiots, and by smart people who should know better.

Since "unique" means "one of a kind," all unique things are equally unique. Nothing can be the most unique. Nothing can be more unique than another.

A unique snowflake is just as unique as a unique person or pencil.

It's OK to say "most unusual" or "more unusual," but NEVER modify "unique."

(photo from NY Daily News. Thanks.)

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If you won't read the book, at least watch the video.

2011-12-26T05:51:00.000-05:00

The book

The video

Thanks to Charlie Dare for making me aware of the video.

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In defense of the p-book

2011-12-25T07:55:00.003-05:00

From the New York Times

Someone from the distant future who stumbled upon these letters in The New York Times’s digital archives would read them with a sense of whimsy. What a quaint and simple folk the citizens of the 21st century were. How could they have been so naïve and shortsighted as to have confined their greatest thoughts within such an impermanent medium as a bundle of paper, ink and glue?

Well, let me tell you.

I am giving my wife a book for Christmas that was carefully selected at a small local bookshop, where it was warmly inscribed by her favorite author at a book signing and lovingly wrapped. I chose this as my “delivery system,” as Mr. Brown so astutely called it, because you can’t get an author to sign a digital book, as Mr. Danbom pointed out.

I know that she will treasure this book for the rest of her life. And when she has gone from this world, the signed book will be a record that she was the first owner and help her children remember her with fondness, as Mr. Devine would understand.

I hope that Mr. Mattocks’s prediction of the printed book’s demise does not come to fruition any time soon. But if Mr. Mattocks turns out to be prophetic, future generations will miss the joy of coffee-table books, which never translated well to e-readers. Children will miss having their teachers read books to them as they hold up the illustrations on each page, as well as pop-up books, which just don’t seem to “pop” within the digital realm.

And the sheer pleasure of antiquarian book collecting will be a distant memory.

We quaint and simple folk of the 21st century live in a glorious age, where we have the freedom to choose how and where to see movies, view art, listen to music, and buy and read books.

Ms. Abrams’s grandson Caleb encapsulated so succinctly into two wonderful words the state of literature in our time: books work.

RALPH RAAB
East Hanover, N.J., Dec. 22, 2011

I read e-books and p-books, and publish e-books and p-books. Choice is good.

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The English language is full of baby talk (and other poopy stuff)

2011-12-23T05:46:00.011-05:00

Like many old farts, I detest the degeneration of American English, which I frequently witness on streets, in offices, in stores and restaurants, on the phone, in classrooms, in movies and on TV.

I'm particularly pissed off about the substitution of "HEY" for "hello." It seemed to have made a rapid transition from playgrounds to CSI Las Vegas and then to the rest of the world. When I was a child, If I used that word, my mother would scold me with "Hay is for horses -- not for people!"

I'm even more pissed off by the use of "WAS LIKE" as a replacement for "said." It seemed to start with Hollywood's dimwitted blonde bimbettes and even spread to the White House! Time magazine quoted George Dubya Bush using that stupid phrase.

Both Dubya and Barack regularly say "GUNNA" instead of "going to." That's not the way English used to be spoken at Yale and Harvard.

I'm also annoyed by what I see as the rampant infantilization (if that's not a word, it should be) of speech. Kiddie Talk and Baby Talk are creeping into adult conversations, and even book, movie and TV show titles.

I confess to sometimes ending phone conversations with "bye-bye," but I refuse to say "MY MOM" instead of "my mother."

I reserve "boob," "pee," "poo," "poop" and "tummy" for jokes or for conversations with kindergartners. I cringe when I hear a doctor say "tummy." What's wrong with "abdomen?" (However, I do say "poop" and "pee-pee" to my dog.)

Southern speech is a topic for a possible future posting. For now I'll just say that I find it very difficult to take people seriously if they sound like they just climbed out of some "holler" in the deep south. My ears and brain shut down when someone says "poke" for "bag" or "done" for "did" or "Coke" for all brands of soda -- or TYPES "y'all" in emails.

I know a successful investment banker and publisher in New York, who grew up in Kentucky. When he was in junior high school, a teacher advised his class to study and emulate the TV network news broadcasters if they had hopes of becoming successful outside the South.

OTOH, northeast speech often pisses me off, such as the cliched "Pock yaw cah in Hahvid Yahd."

The beloved Yankee Stadium announcer Bob Sheppard recently died at age 99. He was known as "the voice of God" and was complimented for his expert elocution. Although he performed in a stadium in daBronx, he sounded like he was in Fenway "Pock" in Boston -- never pronouncing a final "R." Derek's last name should NOT be pronounced "Jee-tuh." The boss's last name was NOT "Steinbrenn-uh."

Not only do many New Englanduhs (and some New Yawkuhs) drop R's, sometimes an R gets put where it doesn't belong. My ninth-grade English teacher in N'Haven said, "Ameriker."

In Manhattan, you can meet someone at the intersection of "toity-toid and toid."

And back in daBronx (and in Brooklyn and Queens), you can hear "fill-im" for "film," "kern" for "coin" and "terlet" for "toilet."

A bit east of Brooklyn is Lawn Guyland, and if you travel west you'll reach New Joisey. If you go far west, you might hear former Governator Ah-nold say "Cally-fawn-yuh."

Pitcher Waite Hoyt played for the Yankees and Brooklyn Dodgers (among others) from 1918 through 1938. He was hit by a ball and injured in Ebbets Field in Brooklyn. A spectator yelled, "Hurt is hoyt!"

Bad grammar is another -- but related -- subject. Rachel Maddow (who should know better) recently said "less" instead of "fewer" twice in the same broadcast. BOO!

At some time I'll have to deal with "Feb-you-erry," "nook-you-ler," "terr-ist," the silent second "c" in "Connecticut," "the Macy's Day Parade" and "The Port of Authority."

I'm not perfect, of course. Cynical cousin Dave doesn't like the way I pronounce "Saturn," and I confess to twice mispronouncing "kiosk" and using the non-verb "prophesy" instead of "prophesize."

(dog peeing photo and Cain photos from Getty Images Street sign from brickfeetimages. I thank them.)

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I prefer to write books -- not just words

2011-12-22T06:10:00.001-05:00

For much of the 20th Century, writers composed their masterpieces on 8.5 x 11 inch sheets of paper. Later they used word processing software that emulated the same shape on a PC monitor.

Also traditionally, most authors have a specific word-count in mind, such as 70,000 words, as they write their books.

But when I'm working on a book that I will be publishing, I usually have a specific page-count and price in mind, such as 350 pages/$15.95.

And rather than just spray words onto my monitor, I set up MS Word for the actual page size of my book (such as 6 x 9 inches for a paperback) and correct margins, and start writing a book.

left-click to enlarge

(from my Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults)

By viewing actual pages, it's much easier to judge my progress, and to know if chapters should be chopped or stretched or shifted.

I alway insert a temporary left-hand "page zero" ahead of the real right-hand "page one" so I can view pages as realistic two-page spreads, instead of onesies, or with left-right-reversals.

This is not very important if a book is all-text, but if you have photos or illustrations or tables, it's important to view the spreads as your readers will see them, to avoid graphic disasters.

Viewing two-page spreads on a modern wide-screen monitor makes it easy to judge when illustrations should be enlarged, reduced or moved around; and to eliminate widows and orphans, and to see if a chapter needs to be trimmed to end at the bottom of a page.

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What's the worst thing about book publishing?

2011-12-21T05:26:00.000-05:00

Everybody is a busybody.

Now that movie studios announce their "weekend gross" for examination, evaluation and comment by the public as well as by Hollywood execs and theater owners, it seems that most of the world's population has an intense desire to know the details of every commercial enterprise.

When people learn that I've written and published a bunch of books, the instant reaction is "how many have you sold?"

These people are friends, relatives and even complete strangers who would not likely ask about my salary, net worth or medical condition -- but they think it's fine to ask about my book sales.

I often feel like saying "It's none of your damn business," but the honest answer is that I don't know how many I've sold. And I don't even care how many I've sold. I make a profit. I pay my bills. Checks come in every month. The amounts go up and down and up again. I like what I'm doing and I expect to gradually build book sales and have an income for the rest of my life.

Other folks seem to expect an instant bestseller. They can write their own books and see how easy it isn't.

And, unless you're an IRS agent or you want to make a movie based on one of my books, my sales figures really are none of your damn business.

I write primarily for personal satisfaction. After that come entertaining, informing and maybe changing the world. Fame is OK, too. I'm no longer 17 and searching for sex. I have plenty of food. I don't need to impress my parents or teachers. Making money is a very pleasant side benefit of writing, but it's not my prime motivator.

Many books about publishing (some that I've written) talk about the profitability of publishing, but there’s nothing wrong with publishing for pleasure. The cost of publishing a book may be much less than the cost of a boat, a vacation or even a pool table -- and nobody expects them to show a profit.

If you can afford to publish for fun, do it. If you can make money while having fun, that’s even better.

(Chart from BoxOfficeMojo.com. Pool table photo from StarJumper, llicensed through fotolia.com )

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Brent Sampson should look in the mirror

2011-12-20T06:24:00.008-05:00

Brent Sampson is the often inept and dishonest boss of often inept and dishonest Outskirts Press. He and his staff do so much so badly that I frequently criticize them on this blog and in my books.

Brent blogs, too. Yesterday he pointed out clauses in the contracts of his competitors that he thinks are "funny" because they are so anti-author. You can click on this link to see what bothers Brent -- clauses that limit the rights and income of authors.

A while ago, I examined the Outskirts Press author contract. It was scary -- not funny.

Author receives 100% of the royalties profit for each wholesale print copy sold for which Outskirts Press receives payment. If you work your ass off promoting your book, and pay Outskirts to promote your book, but Outskirts sells copies of your book and doesn't get paid, you don't get paid.
Royalties are paid to Author within 90 days following the end of the calendar quarter in which Wholesale Book Sales occurred If a book is sold on January 1, Outskirts doesn't have to pay you your royalties until 90 days starting on April 1 (i.e., the end of June -- six months later!).
The Outskirts Press online bookstore offers discounts of up to 55% on purchases of 10 or more books to "Wholesalers, retailers, distributors," and requires payment by credit card. A bookseller's money should be in the Outskirts checking account two days after a purchase, but Outskirts doesn't have to pay you until up to 178 days later. You will become Outskirts's bank, potentially loaning it money for nearly half a year, but not being paid any interest.
Outskirts will cancel your book if you don't pay their $25 annual digital storage and hosting fee within 30 days, but you must allow them six months to pay you. Conceivably, your book could be canceled if you owe them $25 for 31 days, even while they owe you hundreds or thousands of dollars.
Outskirts Press does not warrant that the service or product provided will be uninterrupted or error free. That's certainly no surprise.
Outskirts Press disclaims any and all representations and warranties, expressed or implied, including, without limitation, the implied warranties of merchantability, salability, or noninfringement of copyright. In other words, don't expect Outskirts to do anything right.
Outskirts Press’s total liability to Author or any third-party for any and all damages shall not exceed in the aggregate the amount of fees actually paid by Author to Outskirts Press during the one month period prior to Outskirts Press’ act giving rise to the liability. If the author paid $5,000 two months before the screw-up, but didn't pay anything in the immediately preceding month, the author gets nothing -- even if the Outskirts error costs the author a million bucks.
To the maximum extent permitted by applicable law, in no event shall Outskirts Press, its parent companies, subsidiaries, or affiliates, or any of their respective officers, directors, employees, or agents by [TYPO: should be "be."] liable for punitive, consequential, incidental, exemplary, indirect, or special damages, including without limitation damages for loss of profits, revenues, business data, or other intangibles, whether or not such damages were foreseeable and even if Outskirts Press had been advised of the possibility or likelihood of such damages. In other words, if Outskirts Press screws up, don't expect them to pay for any loss caused by their errors -- even if they knew in advance about the problem.
Any legal action related to the terms of or obligations arising under this Agreement shall be brought in the District Court of Douglas County, State of Colorado. If you live in Alaska, Hawaii or New Hampshire, and you don't like what Outskirts did to your book, you have to travel to Castle Rock, Colorado to sue them.

Outskirts says its mission statement is "To exceed the expectations of every author we help publish." Authors can expect crappy books and inadequate promotion from a company that hides behind legal weaseling, denies any obligation to do the right thing, and may deny any liability when they do the wrong thing.

(Map from Google, Courthouse photo from ColoradoOuting.com. Thanks.)

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Launch your book with a book launch party

2011-12-19T05:25:00.001-05:00

A book launch party can generate interest and publicity for a book. Invite friends, neighbors, business associates, politicians and reporters.

It can be at your home, a restaurant, a hotel, a club, a bookstore or a library. Serve refreshments, make a brief speech and read part of the book. Answer questions. To start the dialog, arrange for a couple of friends to ask questions.

Some authors sell books at launches. I think it’s tacky to make friends feel obligated to spend money. A few years ago, a neighbor gave a book launch party. My wife felt obligated to support her and spent $25 to buy a book that neither of us will ever read.

Give books away if you can afford to. They’ll probably cost you only a few bucks each and will help create buzz.
You can also produce inexpensive abridged samples of your book to give away.
Maybe provide coupons for free downloads of an ebook.
Another approach is to have a free raffle to give away a copy or two of the printed book.
You can even give away imperfect proofs that are readable, but not saleable.
Be sure to give out bookmarks or business cards, too. I get my cards from VistaPrint. Always have some cards with you. You never know when you'll encounter a potential customer.

Does the Trump name turn you on -- or off?

2011-12-16T04:37:00.002-05:00

(left-click to enlarge)

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Bigger is often not better

2011-12-15T06:08:00.001-05:00

The bigger the book, the longer it takes to finish writing and formatting it, the more it costs to produce and purchase, the more errors it will have, and maybe the fewer people who will buy it.

I never go to movies that are longer than two hours, because I know the movie will become a $12 nap. I am similarly reluctant to buy books with more than about 350 pages, because I doubt they will keep me interested.

In an online forum for authors, a newbie recently discussed some fine points about his debut novel -- which will have more than 800 pages.

It will be extremely difficult to persuade people to buy a huge and expensive book written by someone they've never heard of. Maybe that book should become three books, or should be drastically cut. Almost any page can sacrifice a sentence or two without suffering. Most sentences can shed a word or two, and no reader will miss them.

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Printer Lightning Source works at different speeds, and not always at the speed of lightning

2011-12-14T04:57:00.003-05:00

With Print On Demand (POD) it takes less than a minute to print a book, but you can't assume that printing companies will have an available minute immediately.

Lightning Source (LS) is the dominant on-demand book printer. I've used the company for many of my books. LS does good work at a reasonable price, and will make books quickly available at Amazon.com and many other booksellers around the world.

I recently discovered that LS may treat the publishers who use it as second-class citizens, compared to booksellers.

On December 8 I ordered eight copies of the hardcover edition of my Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults). I need them for gifts and to send out to be reviewed. As of this mornng, LS shows the order status as "printing" -- six days after I placed my order.

On December 12, I placed another order for the same book with Amazon.com. The books were printed by LS in Pennsylvania on December 13, and should be delivered to me TODAY in Connecticut (via free "ground" shipping).

So, if your books are printed by LS, and you're in a hurry to get copies, order them from a bookseller -- not from the printer. You'll pay more, but you'll get them faster. (However, you can get free shipping, you'll help your sales rank, and earn money on the books being sold to the bookseller -- so do the math.)

This is not an isolated incident. I've seen it happen before.

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Herman Cain is guilty (of using bad grammar)

2011-12-13T09:03:00.002-05:00

Today I won't say that Herman Cain is an egomaniacal and ignorant idiot (like Sarah Palin) or is crazy and misguided (like Michele Bachmann), but I will say that there are many reasons why he is not ready to hold a national office.

In addition to his asinine 9-9-9, and Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan, and his trouble with women, and poor performance in interviews -- he has trouble with grammar.

Herman said, "This is the DC culture, guilty until proven innocent."

Sorry, Pizza Man, the correct word is "proved" -- not "proven." Lots of other people make the same mistake, but a president should know better.

By the way, although Herm has "suspended" his campaign, the Herman-for-president website is still online, and it's seeking contributions!

...

Happy 40th anniversary to my wife

2011-12-12T04:22:00.019-05:00

In 1971, our hair colors matched better than our personalities did.

Some excerpts from my Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults)

. . . Later I married Marilyn Cafarelli. Marilyn’s father, Joe, was a non-church-going Catholic Italian. Her mother, Sally, was Jewish. That makes a good combination, even if it’s not strictly kosher.

Sally’s culinary repertoire was multi-ethnic. She served luscious lasagna, perfect pasta “fazool” (pasta fagiole) and spaghetti sauce with sausage and pork chops in it, as well as magnificent chopped liver, chicken soup, latkes (potato pancakes) and stuffed cabbage—but not all at the same meal.

Sally’s kitchen was a wonderful place for a gourmand like me and her cooking probably helped Marilyn induce me to pop the question.

In August, 1971 we were introduced by Jill, who worked with her in New York and who used to live across the street from me in New Haven. Marilyn was tired from unpacking after moving from the Bronx to Manhattan and fell asleep the first time we met—not a strong testimony to my conversational abilities—but I was strongly attracted even before I had tasted Sally’s cooking.

Marilyn and I were both dating a few others at the time. My social calendar was full, but I passed the word via Jill that I was interested and I eventually called Marilyn. She thought her falling asleep had turned me off, but I’m a napper, too, and it didn’t bother me. We started dating regularly, and, by October or November, we planned a quick marriage in December. It seems ridiculous now. It probably was ridiculous then.

If we had known each other longer, we probably would not have gotten married. We argued a lot (and we still do). At one time, we considered canceling the wedding, but one of us said (and I don’t remember who said it), “What the hell, the invitations have already gone out, so let’s do it.”

I no longer remember why it was planned so soon, but she wasn’t pregnant.

I do know we got a good deal from a caterer who had a cancellation on the date we picked, so maybe that was an influence. We probably also saved on taxes by marrying by the end of the year. Maybe we were just extremely in love and wanted to get married ASAP. That’s a good reason.

Marilyn’s cousin, Manny, was a printer, and he offered us free invitations as a present. Unfortunately, they were printed with my father’s given name—that few people would recognize—instead of his well-known nickname. When Manny reprinted them, he got Pop’s name right, but he printed the wrong year.

We didn’t want to ask Manny for a third freebie or insult him by taking our business elsewhere. (He kept a gun strapped to his ankle and I used to refer to him as Mafia Manny although I had no real knowledge that he was in the mob.) The wedding date was rapidly approaching, so my future mother-in-law used a pen to correct the year on each invitation. It wasn’t elegant—in fact, it looked like shit—but it was definitely a rare collector’s item.

Unfortunately, the printing was just the first in a series of nuptial fuckups.

Depending on whom you ask, the wedding was either very nice, OK or terrible. The photographer was a tyrant and made Marilyn cry while posing for pictures. And while he had us posing for pictures, we missed what were said to be the best latkes in the world—even better than Sally’s homemade latkes.

Marilyn’s Aunt Hilda (Mafia Manny’s mother-in law) complained because there were no cigarettes on the dining tables, fomenting loud disagreement over whether it was the responsibility of the bride’s family or the groom’s family to finance the wedding guests’ lung cancer.

Marilyn had designed her own wedding gown and, on the day of the wedding, she realized that it was not the right decision to have a vertical seam down the center. It was too late to change.

When we went to cut the cake, the two of us applied all of our power to the ceremonial knife. We tried slicing, sawing, stabbing, pressing and poking, but we just could not penetrate the icing on the beautiful triple-decker. We wondered if the cake was frozen or if we were victims of a joke.

After what seemed like hours of snickering from the guests, the catering manager came out of the kitchen and whispered a little secret to us.

Apparently someone had neglected to tell us that this gorgeous cake was a wood and plaster fake and we were supposed to just make believe to cut it while everyone sings “The bride cuts the cake, the groom cuts the cake . . . .” The servers had a sheet cake in the kitchen already cut and ready to roll out and serve to the guests.

About a month after the ceremony, the photo studio delivered the wedding album with Marilyn’s name spelled wrong on the cover. They eventually provided a corrected replacement, but in 40 years we have not been motivated to switch the covers. I’m not sure if we’re too busy, too lazy or just sentimental. More likely, we just don’t care anymore.

We got some really nice wedding gifts, but the one I liked best was a bunch of McDonald’s gift certificates that Ken Irsay gave us. It’s easy to spend money. It’s harder to make me smile. Jill, the woman who introduced us, stiffed us. Maybe she felt that introducing us was a sufficient gift. Maybe so, but a toaster would have been useful, too.

Marilyn did not approve of my eating habits. She promised to make me homemade soup every day of our married life if I’d give up eating canned Campbell’s soup.

We got married on December 12, 1971, and she’s already made enough homemade soup to take us through January 8, 1972. That’s lunchtime, not supper.

Marilyn is an excellent cook who hates to cook. I would be a lot less frustrated if she was a lousy cook.

She does a great job microwaving the contents of doggy bags and ordering meals to be delivered, but there’s no one in the world who can make a better roast chicken or turkey. Not only do they taste delicious, but they look good enough to be on the cover of Good Housekeeping.

Marilyn can’t resist a bargain at the supermarket and our freezers periodically fill up with large, plastic-wrapped carcasses, bigger than bowling balls. Unfortunately, she seems to give away more frozen poultry than she defrosts, cooks and feeds to me.

Despite abundant and consistent negative reviews, Marilyn insisted on buying a particular $7,000 professional style stove because of the way it looked. On a good day, we’re lucky if two of its six burners work. I would have been happier if she hung up a pretty picture of the $7,000 failure and bought a bunch of $1.59 cans of Sterno that can be reliably ignited with a match.

Marilyn has trouble deciding anything and is constantly replaying decisions made years and even decades ago. Her most common phrase is, “Maybe I shoulda got.” Marilyn is always looking back, but I never look back, except when I’m driving.

Our first house could have been carpeted with the little carpet samples she collected. Our second house has wooden floors because Marilyn couldn’t pick carpet for it.

Big decisions, like picking a house or a car or a husband, come much easier than the little ones, like picking carpet color or deciding on coleslaw versus string beans.

If Marilyn asks for help making a decision, I give her a very quick answer, knowing that it doesn’t matter what I say because she’ll soon change her mind anyway.

Our “regular” waiters have learned to wait a few minutes before telling the chef what to prepare for her because there’s a good chance that Marilyn will soon run into the restaurant kitchen to change her order—maybe even twice.

We disagree on almost everything, and Marilyn and I have been happily at war since 1971.

Her difficulty in deciding and her extreme cautiousness and paranoia can be very frustrating and terribly time-wasting. I grew up in a family where, if you weren’t ten minutes early, you were late. I often refer to Marilyn as “my late wife” and I’m sure she’ll be late for her own funeral.

I know that she really means the best for us and I love her for it—and in spite of it. She’s kept me out of trouble many times. Marilyn is my second-guesser, my censor and my conscience.

Marilyn sometimes says she wishes she could be fearless like me, but it’s probably better that she’s not like me. Opposites attract. But two of me could be in jail—or maybe dead.

Our friends who seemed to get along perfectly well got divorced long, long ago. Apparently they just didn’t care enough to fight.

ADVICE FOR A LESS-UNHAPPY MARRIAGE

Michael’s Alternate Victory Plan:

Forget about compromise decisions. If one of you wants black walls in a room and one of you wants white walls, and you get gray walls, neither of you will have what you want. You’ll both be pissed off when you enter the room.
Try alternate victories. Let your mate make some unilateral decisions, and try to ignore the paint, carpet, car, vacation destination and furniture that you hate. Then you make some unilateral decisions, and you’ll get to enjoy your personal victories.
Overall, life together will be a compromise, and that’s nice.

Warning: My alternate victory plan doesn’t apply to everything. It’s probably best that you agree on the city and the house you live in and on kids’ names. My father let my mother pick my middle name. I hated the name for many years and I wish he didn’t give in.

Three in a bed (sort of)

The “why I married your aunt” chapter

When my income at Rolling Stone was reduced from a salary of $400 per week to a freelancer’s fee of $75 every two weeks, I was seriously dating three young ladies.

Actually, it was more than dating. I was auditioning potential wives: Marilyn, Virginia, and I forgot the third one’s name. I do remember that she lived in Brooklyn and she had a southern accent.

Number Three got pregnant by someone else and had a painful abortion. She recuperated in my apartment. I was a very good friend.

Anyway, for a normal bachelor in Manhattan, a drop of over 80% in income would make a serious impact on dating. But things are different for a journalist with abundant freeloading options.

There were plenty of ways to have free dates.

Writers and editors and their companions could go to free movies and concerts just by requesting “review tickets.” There was even plenty of free food at lavish press conferences and sometimes invitations to check out new restaurants and bars.

Even without an invitation, it was easy to crash an event with a free meal at the New York Coliseum or a hotel by wearing a badge from some previous event or showing a press ID or a business card.

The gatekeepers would never risk offending a member of the press, even someone with dubious credentials who was not on the invitation list. The cost of food and booze was minimal compared with the potential benefit of positive press coverage or the risk of negative coverage after turning someone away.

As for gifts, there were always trinkets from trade shows and press conferences, free samples, and plenty of free records and tapes sent to us to review.

When my wife-audition process had narrowed to the three leading contenders, I needed a tie-breaker, and my Marilyn was the only one of final trio who was willing to sleep with me and with Long John Nebel. No, I’m not talking about a Ménage à trois with three living people in the bed. Long John Nebel did a late-night talk radio show, and I like to sleep with the radio on.

Fortunately, Marilyn accepted me and didn’t object to John, and she didn’t ask how much money I was making.

Even in 1971, $37.50 per week didn’t go very far.

1971 was a time of granny gowns, granny glasses, going bra-less and anti-materialism, and it never occurred to Marilyn to ask about my salary. Besides, she had a real job with a decent salary. I knew how much she made.

Marilyn swears that, if she ever remarries, she’ll demand to see the next guy’s paycheck and previous year’s tax return before she says, “I do.”

Anti-material Marilyn didn’t want an engagement ring but she later changed her mind and I gave her a diamond ring on our fourth anniversary. Her mother complained that the stone was cloudy.

Marilyn and I are still together after 40 years, and the radio is still on all night. There is a third real live body in our bed now, but he’s a golden retriever.

...

An alternative to celebrity blurbs

2011-12-09T04:40:00.003-05:00

Every author dreams of having cover blurbs (endorsements) from famous people who'll say nice things which may entice people to buy books.

Often, especially for a new author with a new book, it's just not possible to get the attention of a a superstar or an expert who will add authority to yours.

That doesn't mean your book has to be blurbless.

There's nothing wrong with asking for and printing blurbs from friends and family, if it's appropriate to your book. Later on, If Oprah or another celeb falls in love with your words, you can revise the cover to incorporate the new comments.

My first self-published book I Only Flunk My Brightest Students: stories from school and real life, deals with my life. So it made perfect sense to use blurbs from people who know me, rather than some distant Nobel Prize winner.

The book is funny. Identifying Howard Krosnick, the source of my front cover blurb as "author's classmate since first grade" is almost a parody of the traditional stuffy IDs ("professor of Indo-Eurasion folk medicine at the University of Guatemala), and reinforces the mood of the book.

Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults) is an updated replacement for the flunk book. It has a fantastic cover blurb which says, "This book is so funny that I nearly peed in my pants. My girlfriend didn't think it was funny, so I got a new girlfriend."

The blurber, Nicholas Santiago, is someone I know through business. His words are sufficient. I see no need to explain who he is, and I doubt that Oprah could have written a better recommendation. I received "five stars" and some nice words from the Midwest Book Review -- but those words are not as funny as Nick's words.

There's nothing wrong with your acting as a writing coach for your blurbers. You can even write a complete blurb and ask someone to "adopt" it.

If you’ve written a how-to book, the best blurbs will come from people who have actually been helped by it. A good way to find “amateur” blurbers who might write sincere comments about actually benefiting from your book is to observe online communities that are concerned with your subject. If you find articulate people with problems your book solves, offer to send them free advance copies (even PDFs if bound copies are not yet available) in exchange for their comments. You can say that you’d like to know if the book was helpful and how it can be improved. Mention that you might like to quote their comments, but don’t guarantee it.

James & Geoff. Which one did I sit next to on a plane?

Don’t be too timid to approach famous authors, politicians, business leaders and celebrities, especially if you have something in common which can create a bond. You might be pleasantly surprised. Write a good letter and explain how you think the book relates to the prospective blurber. Find a reason to compliment the candidate. If possible, refer to a time when you were in the same place, perhaps during a speech or a book signing or on an airplane. (I once sat next to James Earl Jones. Hmm. Actually, it may have been Geoffrey Holder.)

Short blurbs are usually better than long blurbs. Humorous blurbs (if appropriate) are often better than serious blurbs.

Request blurbs as long in advance as possible -- as soon as you have a draft of your book that is good enough to show. The book does not have to be complete. You can probably get by with an introduction, a table of contents, and a few chapters sent as a PDF. If you want a blurb from someone famous, it’s probably better to send an ARC than a PDF.

Incorporate good “early” blurbs into your back cover and first page as soon as possible. If other blurbers read them, they may be more likely to write similarly positive comments.

...

Amazon app is good for shoppers, but really pisses off competitors

2011-12-08T07:00:00.001-05:00

The Price Check by Amazon app allows users to comparison shop easily. Even better, on December 10th, people who use the app while shopping in physical retail stores will get an additional 5% discount (up to $5) off Amazon’s price on up to three qualifying products in eligible categories, including electronics, toys, music, sporting goods and DVDs.

“The ability to check prices on your mobile phone when you’re in a physical retail store is changing the way people shop,” said Sam Hall, director of Amazon Mobile. “Price transparency means that you can save money on the products you want and that’s a great thing for customers. Price Check in-store deals are another incentive to shop smart this holiday season.”

The Price Check by Amazon app is available for iPhone and Android and can be downloaded for free from the Amazon Appstore, Android Market and App Store for iPhone. Price Check app users can “price check” using four input methods:

Scan a barcode: Amazon's barcode scanner will match an item and provide pricing from Amazon.com and other online merchants in seconds. One exclusive feature to the Android version of Price Check is the ability to scan in either portrait or landscape mode, making it faster and easier to find products.
Snap a picture: Snap a photo and instantly match the picture to books, DVDs, CDs, video games and more.
Say the product name: Speak the name of a product to return accurate product matches and pricing from Amazon.com and its other online merchants.
Type your search: Type the product name to instantly find products and prices.

In order to participate in the discount (www.amazon.com/instoredeals), Price Check app users will need the latest version of the Price Check app on their iPhone or Android mobile phone. When a customer enables the geo-location feature on Price Check, they will see an additional 5% discount (up to $5) off Amazon’s price for qualifying products they price check and buy from Amazon on Saturday, December 10. They can then choose to share the in-store price with Amazon.
Amazon’s mobile shopping applications include Amazon Deals for iPhone, Price Check by Amazon for iPhone and Android, Amazon Student for iPhone, Amazon Windowshop for iPad and the Amazon Mobile App for iPhone, iPad, BlackBerry, Windows Phone 7 and Android-based devices. Customers can learn more by visiting www.amazon.com/amazonmobile.

Book stores and other retailers such as BestBuy have complained that they have become mere "showrooms for Amazon," but this new move pisses them off even more.

Members of the Retail Industry Leaders Association (RILA) include nine of the top ten U.S. retailers. Katherine Lugar, RILA executive vice president of public affairs, said, "Retailers compete on price 365 days a year, and at no time is that competition hotter than during the make-or-break holiday shopping season. However, by continuing to evade collecting state sales taxes, Amazon's exploitation of a pre-Internet tax loophole is resulting in a 6-10 percent perceived price advantage over their competitors on Main Street."
"Amazon's aggressive promotion of its Price Check App shows the lengths they are willing to go to exploit this tax loophole, and is a stark reminder of why Congress needs to act to protect retailers on Main Street. A failure to act is an implicit endorsement of a subsidy of Amazon, a subsidy that distorts the free market and puts jobs on Main Street at risk," she said

RILA supports bipartisan legislation introduced in the House and in the Senate that would level the playing field and force all retailers to compete under the same rules. "Main Street retailers have been forced to compete on an uneven playing field for too long. Retailers cannot afford another holiday season where they are forced to compete on an uneven playing field," added Lugar.

...

Should I get castrated?

2011-12-07T04:46:00.005-05:00

I received the following email from the National Association of Professional Women:

Hmm. Starr Jones (former Celebrity Apprentice contestant) is the national spokeswoman and Ivanka Trump was keynote speaker at NAPW's first conference. Is The Donald the boss?

NAPW Membership benefits include discounts on hi-def televisions at BestBuy and Tickets to Disney World. Sorry, Donnie. While I'm honored to have been chosen, I'm not likely to cut off my balls to save money on a 40-inch Samsung or a chance to meet Goofy.

...

Traveling with your dog

2011-12-06T04:57:00.009-05:00

My wife and I love to travel. So does Hunter, our ten-year-old golden retriever. If he can't go with us, we don't go. He's never been in a kennel, so we choose dog-friendly hotels and motels.

More and more lodging facilities are pet-friendly, but sometimes you have to dig deeply to find out the details. Sometimes the information on hotel chains' websites and in printed directories is not up-to-date, and sometimes the published info contradicts what you'll be told if you call.

Pet policy varies tremendously.

Some places allow only "small" or "medium" dogs, but don't define the terms. Some have no size limits.
Some places set a maximum weight, often 75 pounds, but they have no way to weigh a pooch.
Some places insist that dogs enter through a back door, but others welcome them through the main entrance.
Some places have designated poop-walks (complete with poop bags), but some don't.
Some places don't allow dogs to be left unattended in a room. We don't do it, even if it's allowed.
We've never found a place that allowed Hunter in the pool, but we are hopeful for the future.
Some places ban specific "nasty" breeds.
Some places have dog treats at the front desk. Some don't.
Hotels don't allow dogs in the dining room. On the other hand, the woman who operates the snack bar in one of our favorite hotels always brings a donut or bagel out to Hunter. In other places, waitresses have left their posts to give him plates of eggs and sausage.
There are often differences in pet policy at hotels bearing the same brand. Some Marriotts and Hiltons allow dogs. Some don't.

But the biggest difference is the cost of having a dog stay with you.

Some places charge as much as $100 per night as a "non-refundable security fee." Some charge $50 whether you stay one night or 30 nights. Some not-very-nice places charge nothing, or as little as $5 per night. Some fees are refundable if no damage is done. Some fees are instituted to cover the added cost of cleaning up shedded fur, even if there is no actual damage to carpet or furniture.

The most enlightened attitude we've encountered is at the Sheraton chain. You sign an agreement to pay for any needed repairs or cleaning, but there is no fee unless there is damage.

Hunter has stayed in about 100 hotels and motels from Maine to Florida, and has never even barked, let alone chewed on a table leg. He is an excellent guest, and the staff and human guests love to play with him. Wherever we go, other dog owners tell us how much they miss their own animals, and are surprised to learn that they could have brought their pets with them. Don't make that mistake.

A few more tips:

Make sure you have cool water for drinking in the car, in a wide-mouth container.
Stop for peep-and-poop walks every few hours.
Take some toys and treats.
Make sure you have suitable bowls for feeding. Folding bowls are available.
If you use canned food, bring a can opener.
When you leave the dog in the car, make sure you leave windows open a bit for ventilation, and leave on the air conditioning or heat, as needed.
Park where you can see the car.
Take a long lead so you can tie up the dog but let it roam a bit in a picnic area or park.
Pick up poop.

...

Candy can be reincarnated

2011-12-05T05:15:00.004-05:00

Some food brands seem to last forever. Lowenbrau beer has been around since 1383. Kikkoman soy sauce got started in 1603. Both brands are still in business.

Other popular brands disappear. When I was a kid, the dominant brand in packaged Italian food was LaRosa. The brand faded away, and now Ronzoni dominates the business.

Also when I was a kid, a favorite candy was Bonomo Turkish Taffy. It was invented in 1912 -- in New York, not Istanbul. The brand went through a number of different owners and disappeared in the 1980s, disappointing many baby boomer fans, including yours truly. A couple of years ago a company tried to reproduce it. The flavor and consistency were OK, but the taffy was covered with CORN STARCH to keep it from sticking to the wrapper. It was like eating talcum power, and it sucked.

Recognizing the unfulfilled demand, the Bonomo brand and product were reincarnated last year, with an appropriate foil wrapper. I discovered Bonomo yesterday at my favorite candy store, the huge Yummies in Kittery, Maine. I paid 99 cents a bar. That's many times what I used to pay, but the taste and fun are as I remember them. Flavors are chocolate, vanilla, banana and strawberry. Old commercial is HERE.

Smack it and crack it!

...

I'm re-addicted to reading

2011-12-02T05:58:00.005-05:00

Like most people who like to write, I like to read. Actually, I love to read.

I've been accused of being addicted to reading. Like other kinds of addicts, I've resorted to sneaking and cheating to satisfy my addiction.

When I was in first grade, I had a ridiculous 7:30PM bed time. I got into bed, pulled the blanket over my head, and read with a flashlight.
Later, maybe in third grade, when my technical skills improved, I came up with a better solution. I put a bright light bulb in my bedroom closet and it was bright enough to illuminate a book when I was in bed. I attached a long string to the pull-chain that controlled the light, and put a tennis ball at the end of the string. When I heard my parents approach, I yanked the string to shut off the light, and tossed the tennis ball and string into the closet to hide the evidence, and made believe I was asleep.
The ultimate evolution of my scam occurred around sixth grade. I installed a photoelectric cell in the garage, aimed outward. If my parents were out for the evening, and then came home when I was supposed to be asleep, the car's headlights would trigger the photocell which then rang a bell in my bedroom -- so I could shut off my light and shut my eyes.
Later on, my parents didn't care how late I stayed up, and I often read until midnight, and started again around 4AM.
In my senior year in high school, my English teacher required us to read and report on one book each month, with a bonus if we could read one book each week. I half-jokingly asked her what would happen if I did one a day. She half-jokingly said she'd give me an "A." I read the books, wrote the (short) reports, and got my "A."
When I was in college, I was still building book shelves a week before I was going to move out of my apartment and go to New York to be a magazine editor. (Assistant editor, actually.)

I am seldom far from books. I just figured out that my house has nearly 400 linear feet of book shelves, which means I must have (GASP!) nearly 4,000 books. There are also books in cartons, and in drawers and in my cars, and on the UPS truck on their way to me.

I order books from Amazon at least once a week, and buy at my local Barnes & Noble at least twice a month. I also download e-books.

I'm a fast reader, but I can't possibly read fast enough to keep up with the inflow. Even if I stopped buying new books, I probably won't live long enough to read all of my old books.

Even worse, for some inexplicable reason, I stopped reading books last summer. I have no idea how or why. It just happened. I also stopped smoking a pipe shortly after I got married in 1971, and no longer ski or SCUBA dive. I also watch fewer movies.

I missed reading the most, but somehow just could not get in the mood.

Last week, I made some physical changes in my home office/man cave. It's loaded with electronics, has a mini-fridge, an animated talking deerhead on the wall, three parking meters, a coin collecting device from an old New York bus, CDs and DVDs, a traffic cone, two paper cutters, FIVE printers, three laptops, one desktop, an original "portable" Compaq PC, jars of coins which should go to the bank, tools, and lots of pictures and crap that no one else would appreciate.

The cave now functions as my Main Reading Room. The Library of Congress has a Main Reading Room, so why shouldn't I?

It has an extremely comfortable leather loveseat (a stupid term for furniture in a man cave), a blue blankie if I feel the need to cover up, and a table next to the man couch that holds a tall lamp that can be aimed right at whatever I'm reading. The table ($9 at Ikea -- I bought three of them) also holds a phone, my iPad, some books, a bunch of bookmarks, a red pen for marking things that piss me off, and a few of my remote controls. It's also a good place to keep my reading glasses. The john and the fridge are just a few steps away.

In a reversal of my parents' reading curfew, I've instituted a mandatory reading period, from 6 to 7AM each day. It's almost six now, so I'll soon stop typing and move over to my man couch.

The first book I've started is The Fortune Cookie Chronicles: Adventures in the World of Chinese Food by Jennifer 8. Lee. It's delicious.

Next on my list is The Indie Author Guide by April Hamilton. I previously slammed this book without reading it because of its fly-shit-size type. I recently had surgery to remove cataracts from my eyes. My distance vision is perfect with no eyeglasses, and my new reading glasses make it possible to decipher fly shit. I look forward to reading April's book, and I hereby apologize to her. (However, the book really should have bigger type.)

After April's book, I'll probably start Semantic Antics by Sol Steinmetz. I bought this book in early 2009, but have not been able to read it, because it, too, has fly-shit-size type. I love reading about words and thought I would get a lot of pleasure out of this book. Unfortunately my prime emotions are frustration and outrage.

Some unnamed book designer chose to use a smaller-than-normal page size, and in order to squeeze all of Sol’s text into a reasonable number of small pages, she or he chose a tiny type face that looks like what gets printed on the back of a credit card. It has no place in a mass-market book.

So, now, with a comfy place to read, good lighting and good glasses, I am ready to plow through my library.

...

A Director of Production should produce better work

2011-12-01T09:03:00.000-05:00

Cheri Breeding is Director of Production for Outskirts Press, the frequently inept and dishonest pay-to-publsh company I love to hate. She sometiems writes Outskirts's Self Publishing Advisor blog.

Outskirts says that Cheri "has been an instrumental component of every aspect of the Production Department, performing the roles of an Author Representative, Book Designer, Customer Service Representative, Title Production Supervisor, Production Manager and, Director of Production."

A Director of Production (or less pompously, a production manager) has many responsiblilites. In publishing, the responsibilities lead to one objective: making sure that the final product looks right.

If Cheri and her staff can't even get a small headline right, imagine how crappy their books are.

...

A stupid book about stupidity, from Outskirts Press, of course

2011-12-01T06:32:00.005-05:00

Initially I thought that the following book promotion by author Robert E. Millikin was an effort at parody, Sadly, it seems to be serious.

For thirty years, I had wrestled with the bible prophecy that in the end times the majority of the people will take the mark of the beast when it would be stupid to do so.

Then in April 2009 at three thirty in the morning it finally accurd to me why they do it, and it is because that is exactly what they are, stupid.

In my book Stupid In Montana As America at amazon.com, I summarized that as the Global population of the human enterprise increases, people will get dumber and less concerned with a lower level of awareness, which is progressive math.

At the beginning of this year, I stated to maltible people that the Global Population would increase by one hundred million by the end of August and at that time we were at six billion eight hundred, eighty nine million and some change with an increase of approximately ten people every five seconds. A pretty good guess considering I missed the mark by only two weeks.

Right now, we are at six billion nine hundred, ninety two million and some change with an increase of approximately ten people every four seconds. We will have grown by one hundred million in eight months and two weeks.

Now, using this progressive math in consideration that math is the most exact science we know of, in consistency with the math of the decreasing level of intelligence and concern

I am formulating that by the year twenty fourteen or maybe twenty thirteen we will see the appearance of the one the prophet John called the Anti Christ. In addition he will begin what I think will be the processing of the people on a Global scale and by the year twenty twenty we will experience world wide mass extinction.

Math does not lie, and with this math I am calculating that the conditions for the end times of which the Prophet John spoke of, will be ripe.

So overall, I am summarizing that for those people who have a large family of say four or more small children living at this time in the human experience are on the same intellectual level as a bunny rabbit, very unaware of the Population Monster which is looming over us all.

Even the Dalai Lama stated, that every life is precious, but quality is better than quantity.

So my message is, have a brain and do not breed like rodents.

My reaction: Virtually everything about the book and its promotion are either inept or wacky.

I don't understand the book's title.
One of two reviews on Amazon was written by the author. He kissed his own ass.
The publisher (Outskirts) has a terrible reputation.
The hardcover edition is grossly overpriced, at $23.95 for a short 151-page book by an unknown author.
At $7.99, the ebook is overpriced, too.
The spelling errors are unforgivable for an author (e.g., "accurd").
Sentence structure is pathetic (e.g., "of which the Prophet John spoke of").
Uppercasing is inconsistent (e.g., "population" and "Population").
Numbers that should be expressed with figures are spelled out.
What the hell are "maltible people?"
What evidence is there that the world's population is getting stupider, or that families with four or more children are as dumb as bunnies?

I could not resist. I spent $7.99 so I could examine the book.

The first sentence in the first chapter says: "I may have a deferent different view point than of the local’s who live there." I've read a great many books, but I can't recall any short sequence of words with as many errors as this one.
There are abundant errors later on, such as "bit" for "bitten" and this garbage: "Fme fishing and hunting are my two faveretfavorite things to do, but I gotta tell yayou, that theirsthere are more and more people doing it."

Sadly, this book about stupidity is a great example of stupidity. It is really stupid to publish an unedited book. The author has some important things to say, but the impact is severely limited by the unprofessional presentation.

This is additional evidence (which is probably not needed) that Outskirts Press has NO STANDARDS and NO CONSCIENCE and NO PRIDE. As long as the company gets paid, it will publish anything.
...

She needs more edjookayshun

2011-11-30T05:36:00.003-05:00

(From a news report published the website of WNYC radio:)

The City University of New York's Board of Trustees approved tuition increases Monday as students upset with the hikes protested outside, chanting and holding up signs as they marched around the school.

The board on Monday voted to increase tuition by $300 per year for undergraduates, for up to five years. It was the second hike in a row. CUNY is able to make small increases every year to prevent larger ones every few years.

But 25-year-old Sarah Pomar, who is enrolled at Hunter College, said it's an increase that's still going to hurt.

"I think I either have to take less classes because I pay out of pocket or I have to get into more student debt in order to continue going to school for a degree that doesn't guarantee me a good job, actually," she said.

I hope that in some future English class, Sarah learns the difference between "less" and "fewer." “Fewer” applies to things that are counted (e.g., apples). “Less” applies to things that are measured (e.g., apple sauce or cider), or to concepts (e.g., freedom). You can have less wine, but fewer bottles and fewer drinks. You can have less time to travel, but fewer days for your trip.

My mother graduated from the same college that Sarah is attending. One of my nieces is in her junior year there. Another niece will start grad school there in January. A nephew and my father are CUNY graduates. So are Jonas Salk, Colin Powell, Barbara Boxer, Ruby Dee, Jimmy Smits and Jerry Seinfeld. So are Nobel and Pulitzer Prize winners. They all learned proper English -- probably before college.

Sadly, Sarah Pomar needs remedial English classes, especially if she wants to get a "good job." I'd never hire someone who speaks the way she does. At one time CUNY was considered to be the Ivy League for poor people. The education was unbeatable and tuition was free. (I think even textbooks were free at one time.) My mother says that when she told her father that she wanted to go to Hunter, Grampy Jay said, "Good. Here's a nickel for the subway."

Today, the price of a CUNY education is much higher. Sadly, the admission standards seem to be lower.

...

Someone needs me

2011-11-29T03:57:00.003-05:00

(An email I recently received)

Hello,

I have a book for children that is a best seller in my country. I would like to get it published for the International Market.

I therefore need a Literacy [sic] Agent. How can you be of use to me?

Thank You!

...

Ego-driven book pricing

2011-11-28T04:09:00.002-05:00

Some authors have an unjustified opinion of their books' value, and maybe their own value. If a book is priced too high, especially if it's much higher than competitive books, or if it seems to offer poor value, few people will buy it.

High prices seem to be common in the self-help/inspirational field, and also with books from self-publishing companies that dictate high cover prices to ensure high profits.

Some of my previous posts about high prices:

http://bookmakingblog.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-author-says-his-book-is-perfect-i.html (58 printed pages for $20, or $10 ebook)
http://bookmakingblog.blogspot.com/2010/01/landmark-day-westbow-press-releases-its.html ($39.95 hardcover version of an overpriced $24.95 paperback)
http://bookmakingblog.blogspot.com/2010/11/one-book-page-can-cost-little-over.html (the high cost of adding one page to a book)
http://bookmakingblog.blogspot.com/2011/08/price-and-pride-how-much-is-your-book.html (expensive books from newbie authors compared to similar books from established authors)

Outskirts Press -- the company I love to hate -- recently started promoting a new book, Life Just Happens. You can left-click to enlarge the image for easier reading.

The book has just 50 pages. That's more like a pamphlet or a magazine article -- not a book, but the paperback is priced at $9.95 and the ebook at $6.95.

Those are HIGH prices for a first-book by an unknown author. Maybe Pierre De Coene is revealing the secret to eternal life, eternal bliss, fat-free pizza or eight-hour orgasm -- or maybe not. I won't pay more than $4.99 to find out.

There are plenty of informative and entertaining ebooks available at prices from 99 cents to $4.99. (I make much more money each month from the $4.99-list price ebook version of my Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults) than I do from the more expensive paperback and hardcover editions.)

...

The joy and the frustration of small caps

2011-11-27T05:40:00.003-05:00

A small cap stock is a stock with a relatively small market capitalization (total market value of the company's outstanding shares). Generally, market capitalization of between $300 million and $2 billion is considered small cap.

A small cap letter is an uppercase letter that's about the same height as nearby lowercase letters. I first noticed them in Business Week about ten years ago, and found them disconcerting.

They are frequently used for decorative effects at the beginning of a block of text, and as abbreviations and acronyms like USA, FBI, SCUBA, RADAR, A.M. and IBM. I can't reproduce small caps with online text. so I put sample material down below.

The theory behind small caps is that they blend in well with surrounding text instead of SHOUTING AT THE READER like full-size caps. The use of small caps is supposed to be a sign of sophisticated typography, like hanging punctuation (which I may deal with in the future).

There are several problems with a few letters in small caps.

They look stupid at the beginning of a sentence. Sometimes a sentence can be reworked to avoid the problem. Some typographers switch to full-size, others keep the small caps up front. I prefer to rewrite.
If you have the names of two competing entities nearby, and one has normal lettering and one has small caps, there is an implicit downgrading of the one with small caps. USA looks less important or powerful than Canada. B&N is dominated by Amazon. HP and IBM are overpowered by Dell.
If you have a compound name like "U.S. Capitol," "U.N. Building" or "PR Newswire," it looks silly for the "U" or the "P" to be smaller than the first letter of the next word.
A title like "HTML Guide" would look silly if "HTML" was smaller than the "G."

As with many aspects of writing, publishing and typography, sometimes you just have to go with what seems right, rather than apply rigid rules. If you follow any rule 100% of the time, your work will seem stupid 10% of the time. Unfortunately, when you bend or break rules to make what you think is a better book, some people may think you made an error. That's life.

I avoided small caps in my first nine self-pubbed books, but as I tried to get "more professional" I started to use them in book #10, Get the Most out of a Self-Publishing Company: Make a better deal. Make a better book. After several hours, I got so frustrated trying to resolve inconsistencies, I gave up and went back to full-size caps.

If you have a lot of time to kill and are a graphic masochist, you can try using small caps. I doubt that I'll try them again.

(left-click to enlarge image)

...

Should I shop today?

2011-11-25T03:45:00.012-05:00

OK, it's Black Friday.

There's a pile of ads on my kitchen table. It's not yet 4AM. Many stores are already open. Lines are forming at others. On this day in the past five-plus years, I was raring to go out and spend. Last year was particularly fruitful. This year, I just don't have much of an urge.

There's nothing I need (but I've always been more motivated by wants than needs).

There are a few things that I could use more of, like 8-gig thumb drives -- but I can easily order them online. It would be nice to have yet one more flat screen TV -- but it would go in a room where it would be used only a few times a year. I'm impressed by the new Nikon 1, but I definitely don't need another camera, and it would cost at least $600.

I'm still very much in love with my Panasonic Lumix G1 which I bought just under two years ago. I felt guilty by "cheating on" my beloved Nikon brand, but I found the Lumix simply irresistible.

When I got dressed yesterday, I discovered my tiny Nikon Coolpix S3000, which was hiding in the pocket of a sports jacket since I went to a sweet-sixteen in September. Ironically, I bought the jacket on last Black Friday, so this stuff is nicely connected.

When I decided that I'd never find the S3000, I bought an even better tiny Nikon Coolpix S4100. I got it in purple, which I figured would be harder to misplace than another tiny black camera.

My Nikon Coolpix L6 once seemed tiny, but is much thicker than my newer Nikons. I hate using it because of the long shutter delay, but it always provided great photos (of non-moving subjects) and could be kept in the glove compartment of my cars.

I still have a Nikon Coolpix 5000 digital camera. It was once considered to be a small camera, but in 2011 it seems very bulky. It generally sits on a tripod in my office to take "product shots" of things to sell on eBay. It's more convenient than the tiny Nikons to use on a tripod. The flip-out viewing screen is tiny by today's standards, so I probably should put this camera on the shelf.

I still have Nikon digital and film SLRs going back to the 1970s, including my huge and heavy F and FTn. I don't use them, but need them on my shelf, like beloved books and movies that will never be read or watched again. I sometimes take them off the shelf, to fondle them and exercise the noisy shutters, and marvel at the magnificent pictures I was able to take without batteries.

So, will I buy a Nikon 1? Probably -- but maybe not today. It will be very hard to resist. As the Borg say, resistance is futile. And when it comes to Nikons, I don't want to resist.

Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.
The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.

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UPDATE: I did go shopping at around 11:30AM. I bought some sandpaper and screw-hooks at Lowe's. They're not nearly as exciting as a new Nikon, but I did support the economy.

ANOTHER UPDATE: On Sunday I bought another big TV and Blu-Ray player. Low-low-prices and 24 months to pay with no interest. How could I resist?

(Nikon F photo from CameraQuest.com. Borg photo from Star Trek. Thanks.)

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There's a good reason why a failure is called a "turkey"

2011-11-24T06:39:00.002-05:00

First, I'd like to give thanks to all of you who read this blog and my books.

Second, have you ever wondered why bad movies -- and cars like the Edsel, Yugo and Aztek -- are called turkeys?

It's because turkey meat tastes terrible.

It tastes like cardboard.

Just like lettuce is useful only for transporting salad dressing from plate to mouth, turkey is useful only for transporting gravy or cranberry sauce (or Russian dressing if on a sandwich).

However, turkey necks and skin do have flavor.

I hope you enjoy whatever is on your plate or sandwich today.

PS: I almost forgot. Wild turkeys roam around my neighborhood. They are SO UGLY, I don't understand how there was a second generation of them. A turkey would have to be incredibly horny -- or drunk -- to get in the mood to reproduce.

(photos from Zorn's Poultry Farms and Morro-bay.com Thanks.)

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Should you have your own brand name on your books?

2011-11-23T06:24:00.009-05:00

Brand names are very important in business. They connect a product with its maker, and take advantage of -- and help build -- a reputation.

If you are thousands of miles from home, you know that the Big Mac and Coke you order at Mickey Dee's will be just like the ones you're used to. While you may not experience gustatorial ecstasy, at least you won't have an unhappy surprise. The McDonald's brand name, and the Big Mac and Coca-Cola names, mean something.

Books bear brand names. Some of the names are those of the publisher, especially if its a small publisher or a self-publishing company. Larger publishers have multiple imprints -- brand names (or "trade names") associated with a specific genre or editor or even an important author.

When one publisher buys another, the name of the formerly independent publisher may become an imprint of its new owner. Sometimes there are imprints within imprints, or brands within brands, or imprints within brands within brands. Doubleday was sold to Bertelsmann and became part of the Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, and then became a division of Random House. Doubleday itself has had multiple imprints, including Anchor and Crime Club.

If you use a self-publishing company, and don't do otherwise, your book will bear the brand name of that company. This can cause trouble in at least two ways:

If you choose a terrible company with zero standards, like Publish America, people who recognize the brand name may assume your book is crap.

If you choose a better company, people in the book business -- including reviewers and retailers -- will know you paid to publish, and may reject the book even without seeing it. (Most readers probably don't care about a book's publisher, and don't know the difference between Xlibris and Simon & Schuster).

It's easy to establish your own brand name if you form your own small publishing company -- like my Silver Sands Books. You can also use your own brand name with some self-publishing companies, including the dreaded Outskirts Press.

Perceptive Juliet Capulet told Romeo Montague, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

It's not that simple in book publishing. One of the worst mistakes that self-publishers make is choosing the wrong name. Avoid the following bad choices:

A name that sounds insignificant, like “Joe’s Books.”
A name that limits the type of books that can be promoted, like “Galactic Press” or “Heartfelt Publishing.” (Several books about publishing were produced by KCS Basketball Enterprises.)
A name that can be confused with another company, like “Random Publishing” or “Toyota Books.”

Regardless of merit, self-published books are suspect. They just don’t get the same respect from reviewers, booksellers and libraries as do even bad books published by the big and venerable publishing houses.

One obvious way to fight this discrimination is to write and design a really great book.

Another way is to make the book seem like a book published by one of your huge competitors. One dead giveaway of a self-published book is an amateur-sounding name for your publishing business.

DON’T use your personal name as your business name. “Stevie’s Bar” implies personal attention and friendliness. “Stevie’s Publishing Company” implies an amateur enterprise.

A more professional-sounding name may make a reviewer think your company is a new imprint from a major publisher or a small “indie” press she never heard of before -- not a self-pubbed book that should be ignored.

Your imprint or brand name is a trademark. The Feds say: "A trademark is a word, phrase, symbol, or design, or a combination thereof, that identifies and distinguishes the source of the goods of one party from those of others."

A trademark is not the same thing as a registered trademark.

Again, from the Feds: "You can establish rights in a mark based on use of the mark in commerce, without a registration. However, owning a federal trademark registration on the Principal Register provides several advantages, including:

Public notice of your claim of ownership of the mark
A legal presumption of your ownership of the mark and your exclusive right to use the mark nationwide on or in connection with the goods/services listed in the registration
The ability to bring an action concerning the mark in federal court
The use of the U.S. registration as a basis to obtain registration in foreign countries
The ability to record the U.S. registration with the U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) Service to prevent importation of infringing foreign goods
The right to use the federal registration symbol ®
Listing in the United States Patent and Trademark Office’s online databases

If you claim rights to use a mark, you may use the “TM” (trademark) designation to alert the public to your claim of ownership of the mark, regardless of whether you have filed an application with the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO). However, you may only use the federal registration symbol “®” after the USPTO actually registers a mark, and not while an application is pending. You may only use the registration symbol with the mark on or in connection with the goods/services listed in the federal trademark registration."

You can hire an attorney to handle a trademark registration or do it yourself. CLICK for info.

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Sometimes opposites mean the same thing

2011-11-22T05:48:00.005-05:00

(Thanks to Tyge and Levi for their additions to the first version of this blog post. More additions are welcome. But please skip slang like "bad" meaning "good.")

I've long been intrigued by English words that are often opposites, but can have identical meanings.

"After our number is called, we can move UP to the front of the line" (or DOWN to the front of the line)
"Please slow UP -- I can't run as fast as you can" (or slow DOWN)
If your house burns UP, it really burns DOWN
Please fill IN the application (or fill OUT)
The HOTTEST new computer can also be the COOLEST new computer
SLIM chance and FAT chance mean the same thing

There are also individual words that can have different implications.

"He was CITED for bravery." (good) "He was CITED for being drunk on duty." (bad)
A WISE man and a WISE guy are completely different.

And individual words that can have opposite meanings.

"Inflammable" can mean a substance that can burn, or can't burn. Sometimes the Latin prefix "in" (also "em" and "im") means pretty much the same thing as the English "in." An inflamed arm is hot and red, i.e, as if it is "in flames." However, the Latin prefix "in" often means "not," as in "incredible," "insufficient," and "inimicable"

And words that can be compliments or criticisms.

"Lightweight" is good for a portable PC, but bad for someone who wants a job as a professor or sales manager.

In an online discussion yesterday, someone said that his company works "OUT of the Atlanta area." While this is a hillbillyism meaning that the company is based in the Atlanta area, the meaning would be pretty much the same if he said the company works IN the Atlanta area.

And, of course, we can DRIVE on a PARKWAY and PARK on a DRIVEWAY.

(Cars parked in my driveway, before I traded the two Chryslers for a Honda Crosstour last month. I still have the Fiat. The parkway is behind the trees in the background.)

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Some people can't stop tweaking

2011-11-21T06:25:00.003-05:00

When I was freelancing for Rolling Stone in the early 1970s, I was always rewriting until the last possible minute. This was in the pre-fax, pre-email era, and I'd drive to the airport and pay to have my column air-freighted from NY to CA. There wasn't much profit left.

Words are almost toys for me, like a child's building blocks, Lincoln Logs, Lego or an Erector Set.

Rewriting sentences and changing page formatting -- especially now with a computer -- is fun. I love to play with words, to rearrange them and try alternatives.

The danger is that a perfectionist never finishes anything.

When I was working as an advertising copywriter, I was notorious for not "releasing" an ad until the last possible moment. Fortunately, someone older and wiser taught me a valuable lesson: sometimes "good enough" really is good enough, and I learned to let go.

Now, as the owner of a tiny publishing company, I have to be a businessman as well as an artist. I realize that no money will come in if I don't approve a proof and let a book start selling.

However, I seldom stop editing. I even re-do old blog entries (including this one).

The New Yorker magazine has an excellent article about Steve Jobs, which says that his real genius was tweaking -- not inventing. You can read it for free online.

I'm a tweaker, too, but being a tweaker can be dangerous because nothing is ever really finished. (When I was in college, I was still building bookshelves a week before I was due to move out of my apartment.)

Print On Demand makes it easy to keep tweaking. Maybe too easy.

With POD I can make improvements to my books whenever I want to. While this means that a person who buys version 2.13 gets a better book than the person who bought 1.28, at least I know that each version was "good enough" as of a particular moment.

Sadly, it also mans that yesterday I decided to delay a book by a week so I could change a comma to a period. I doubt that anyone else would have noticed the imperfection.

Fortunately, Steve Jobs was the supreme perfectionist, the ultimate tweaker; and my iPad is better because of his obsession.

(Illustration from The New Yorker)

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Sunday Sermon: Are you Christian enough to be published?

2011-11-20T05:11:00.004-05:00

from Xulon Press:

We refuse to publish books that degrade the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Today more than ever, our Christian values are under attack. So Xulon Press decided early on to publish books that uphold the gospel of Jesus Christ – and none other. [Jon Huntsman and Mitt Romney: stay away!]

This isn’t true of most publishers you’ll find on the Internet. Most online and on-demand publishers gladly accept books written by authors who degrade the gospel. [Actually, they'll accept books from authors who can't even spell "gospel."] In fact, some of the leading on-demand publishers accept manuscripts dealing with the occult, New Age belief, pornography, homosexuality, and other subjects condemned by Scripture. [OH MY GOD!]

If you feel God has given you a message to put in print, [What if God wants me to write about the occult?] we hope you let fellow believers help you get it published. We want to be your partner in publishing and prayer.

We believe that one God exists in three Persons and one substance, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Jesus Christ is the one and only Son of God who died for our sins and arose from the dead (1 Cor. 15:1-8); that the Bible is the inspired Word of God [What about all the wacky stuff in the Bible, like unicorns, satyrs, poop eating and more?] – a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path (2 Tim. 3:16); that every person has worth as a creation of God, but that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23); that forgiveness of sins and the promise of eternal life are available to those who trust Christ as Savior and Lord (John 3:16); that the church is the body of Christ on earth, empowered by the Holy Spirit, and it exists to save the lost and edify the saved (Eph. 4:1-16); and that Jesus Christ will one day return to earth and reign forever as King of Kings and Lord of Lords [What if there are no kings when he comes back? There are only a few around now. However, there are lots of Lords in London.] (1 Thess. 4:13-18).

Note: If your manuscript does not uphold these values, Xulon Press will reject it. If you have questions about our Statement of Faith, please feel free to contact us at 866-381-BOOK (2665).

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Year-end reminders

2011-11-19T05:02:00.001-05:00

I'm going to slow down a bit.

2011-11-18T06:29:00.002-05:00

In the 59th Street Bridge Song, also known as Feelin' Groovy, Paul Simon wrote (and Paul and Art Garfunkel sang):

"Slow down, you move too fast

You gotta make the morning last"

I'm not particularly interested in preserving the pre-noon time, or even in feelin' groovy, but I am going to slow down my publishing.

My first book was published by Doubleday in 1976.
My second was published in 1996.
In 2008 I formed Silver Sands Books, my own little publishing company, intending to publish exactly ONE book.
I quickly got addicted. In 2009 I published three books.
In 2010, I did four more.
In 2011, I tried to publish nine. That was a BIG mistake for a one-person publishing company, especially for a part-time, one-person publishing company.

While I am generally at the keyboard by 3:30 a.m., work seven days a week and love to write, format pages and conceive covers, I learned that promoting books can take more time than the pre-printing tasks.

I've decided to move some of my 2011 books to 2012, so I'll have more time to let the world know about them.

Maybe I'll even have enough time to smell the roses, or feel groovy.

Listen to Paul and Arty -- the words, not just the music.

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Lightning Source copies CreateSpace in allowing approval of non-printed book proofs

2011-11-17T04:06:00.004-05:00

A few months ago, Amazon's book-printing subsidiary CreateSpace ("CS") launched a new program that allows publishers to approve a book for distribution, without actually seeing a proof.

If I am reasonably sure that a book will be good enough to not embarrass me, I do not order a printed proof (which usually costs $15-$20 and takes a few days) but I tell CS that it's OK to distribute the book. In less than hour the book will be available for sale at Amazon.com.

With my money-saving system, I can order a book for second-day delivery with free shipping because I am a a member of "Amazon Prime." Alternatively, I can pay $2.99 for next-day shipping -- even for delivery on Saturday morning! Although I pay the retail price for the book, my cost is reduced by the publisher's profit I make on the book, and my purchase helps the book's sales ranking. Because I make a lot of purchases with Amazon/Chase credit cards (I have one, my wife has one, and my business has one), I accumulate lots of Amazon $25 gift certificates. If I use a certificate to buy my own book, and then earn the publisher's profit, the book costs me less than nothing. If I find major errors in the book I get from Amazon, I submit a revised file to CS, and the book quickly becomes unavailable on Amazon. This keeps people from buying a less-than-perfect book, but the book is still on Amazon and people can see it and order it for future delivery.

Two days ago, printer/distribution behemoth Lightning Source began offering "E-Proofs" -- a similar service which can save $70 or more and several days. (LS charges $30 to print and ship a paperback, $35 for a hardcover, plus at least $40 for an interior revision and $40 for a cover revision.) Full info on E-Proofs is available HERE and HERE.

The E-Proof is a PDF file, and should be identical to the PDF you submit to LS. The value of the E-Proof doesn't come from viewing the PDF, but in telling LS that it's OK to print and distribute the book. An E-Proof is not a substitute for a "P-proof" and is probably inappropriate for the first proof of a book, but can save money on subsequent revisions, and get your book on sale sooner.

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Is this a serious effort at book promotion -- or a joke?

2011-11-16T04:38:00.001-05:00

KALKIE and the Paranormals

of The Third World War

It is year 2055 and the whole world is grip with panic. There are thousands of death world over due to strange reasons. The first is brain cancer of a special type in which there is slow paralysis. Firstly the leg stops working, and then the hands stop working. Next there is vision loss and finally a person dies. The second major cause of death is snake bite. A special kind of snake had started appearing in parts of USA, Europe, Australia and India. The snake bites the people and people die within 20 minutes. The strange thing about the snake was that it was biting only important and successful people. The locations of snake bite were strange- sometimes in the bedroom, sometimes in the kitchen and sometimes even in the office. The people are baffled how snakes are appearing in such inaccessible locations. A team of experts and detectives gathered in Atlanta to discover the root cause of this menace. And what they discovered was startling. It lead to the third world war and kalkie- the defence minister of India plays a major role in establishing a new world order. The prophecies of Nostradamus come true and Mabus – the king of Terror is born. When Kalkie rides the white horse to defeat Mabus with the Bow in his hand, the people of the world are revered. They think that Kalkie is none other than avatar of Lord Vishnu.

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English is a very confusing language

2011-11-15T03:11:00.000-05:00

Consider the letter sequence GHOTI.

Pronounce the "gh" as in "rough."

Pronounce the "o" as in "women."

Pronounce the "ti" as in "nation."

Brad Bitt pic from mirror.co.uk. Fish pic from Coloradofisherman.com

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